My mom died about six years ago, a month before my 15 birthday. Though it’s been years, I still feel pain from that loss, as do most people who have lost a parent. There are subtle, sometimes subconscious actions we take to help cope with the holidays.
1. You start emotional prep months in advance.
I do this without noticing, but it’s normal to play out certain situations mentally (especially if you plan on seeing people who don’t know about your loss). I often think about how much I will mention, how I will mention the situation, and anything else pertaining to the matter. It’s totally okay to do this, because getting asked out of nowhere can not only be confusing, but triggering.
2. You cry randomly.
Loss means being sad, sad means crying. Sometimes you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and have a little cry during dinner, and that’s okay. Try to have someone who knows the situation with you or on speed dial, that way you have support. Also people are normally way more understanding than we give them credit for, so don’t feel embarrassed or wrong.
3. You get jealous.
This is especially true for me, and though I try to fight it, sometimes I get jealous of other people’s moms. I have a wonderful step-mom who is great, but I get jealous that other people don’t have to live with my pain (I would never wish this pain on anyone though).
4. You get weird about being invited places.
I get uncomfortable anytime my boyfriend invites me to family functions, but I also secretly feel left out if I don’t get invited, but I also don’t want to be invited and seen as a burden. When you are someone who mourns over the holidays it’s easy to feel like a burden to those around you, but you aren’t.
5. You feel lonely a lot.
Even if you’re not alone, being in mourning over the holidays can be really isolating. Sometimes you feel horrible and alone, but you should remember that you aren’t. There are plenty of people out there who understand your pain, and are feeling it themselves. If you’re loneliness ever feels too hard call a help hotline, even on holidays hotlines are open so that people like us can talk without judgment.