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Maybe he doesn’t hit you, but…
Maybe she doesn’t hit you, but…
There are a million different ways to finish those sentences: Maybe he doesn’t hit you, but he didn’t listen when you said no. Maybe she doesn’t hit you, but she says she’ll kill herself if you leave her. Maybe he doesn’t hit you, but he yells when you move his chair. Maybe she doesn’t hit you, but she tells you you’re lucky she chose you because no one else would. Maybe he doesn’t hit you, but if he does something wrong, he’ll still find a way to make you apologize for it. Maybe she doesn’t hit you, but she reminds you of how much money you aren’t making. The list could go on forever.
Half of all people have experienced a type of relationship abuse. I am one of them. From the end of my junior year to the start of my senior year, I dated Mark*.
In the beginning, things were good. While we never went on dates, Mark* and I spent plenty of time together. We had classes together, and we hung out a lot outside of school at one of our homes. As time went on, I tried to talk to Mark* about some personal issues I was having, but he refused to engage in any serious conversation, unless it was about him. While I was annoyed about it at the time, I ignored it because, in my poor mental state, I was so desperate to be “loved.” This was my first red flag.
The second one came about halfway through the relationship. Even though, in the back of my mind, I knew I had a choice, I allowed myself to be influenced into sending racy pictures. After a little while, I realized how uncomfortable I was with it, so I asked him to back off and delete the pictures, but he didn’t. This is what alerted me to his disrespect of my boundaries. But, once again, I stayed with him because I was lonely.
The third red flag, and final straw, came toward the end of the relationship. Mark* began asking me if I would engage in certain sexual activities with him, and I let him know that I was uncomfortable with it. However, one night, as we said goodbye outside of his house, he stuck his hands down my pants. I froze. Next thing I knew, my shorts were pulled down, and he was forcibly performing oral sex, something I had neither asked for nor consented to. Luckily, it did not go any further.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I had been assaulted. In fact, for a few months, I was convinced that I had led him on or that I deserved what happened to me. However, when the #MeToo movement began picking up steam in the beginning of 2018, I realized that I definitely had not consented to what happened to me.
Now, I don’t tell this story to make you feel bad for me. I tell this story because while we commonly think of an abusive relationship being physically abusive, too many times stories like these go unnoticed. Victims of these situations are left in the dark, wondering if they somehow deserved what happened to them, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Victims are also unlikely to talk to anyone about the abuse, commonly leaving them unable to find healthy ways to cope, eventually turning to things like eating disorders, substance abuse, risky sexual behavior and even self-harm.
While I am still unable to say that I have dealt with the long-lasting ramifications, I just want to remind anyone out there that is dealing with an abusive situation that it is not your fault. I believe in you and your ability to recover from this. And finally, please know that there is always someone you can talk to.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
*Name has been replaced to preserve anonymity.