When it comes to dating, the world changes so rapidly it’s almost impossible to keep up on the latest trends. Man buns, no wait, tall guys, uh no, beards, no- yuck- clean shaven. Every woman has a particular type, but universally smart, funny, cute guys are in, right? Meet Jared Ohnsman, vice president of student senate, Inter Chapter Relations chair of Phi Sigma Pi National Honor Fraternity, and a member of the University Hearing Board.
Ohnsman, 21, is a senior at Ohio University studying political science, pre-law and criminology. Don’t worry though, he won’t jettison off to the next university quite yet; he’s taking a gap year before moving on to law school. During his gap year, he is attempting to get a paid fellowship as an Ohio Legislative Aide. The position is incredibly competitive as there are only 28 spots available. He also mused over the idea of applying to congressional internships. Senator of choice? “Bae” Elizabeth Warren.
“Elizabeth Warren is bae. She’s a fierce woman,” Ohnsman says, sipping happily at his Miller Light, turning red at the thought of the 66 year-old senator.
Ohnsman’s senior capstone teacher is actually friends with Warren and he is toying with the idea of reaching out through her.
Other political crushes include Bernie Sanders.
“Obviously, Bernie [Sanders] is the love of my life.”
Despite his left leaning tendencies, Jared is “politically moderate,” and a registered independent. His bedroom walls are adorned with John F. Kennedy’s campaign poster, and Richard Nixon’s campaign poster. He also has a poster with the face of every president of the U.S. Don’t be fooled though; he has strong opinions.
“I understand Republican point-of-views; I just don’t agree with them. I don’t think it’s morally smart to be a conservative,” Jared says.
In spite of all of Jared’s accomplishments, he is a self-described “not adult.” It was evident what he meant when he began to burn himself while cooking dinner, proclaimed his pain, and continued to do exactly what he was doing (running the water too hot), and curse loudly that he was in pain. Perhaps that’s why his “perfect woman” is, in a sense, better than him.
“It’d be pretty baller if she was shorter than me, and not crazy,” Jared says. That would be under 5’8.
Jared has a round face and dark blue eyes. He’s hopelessly trying to grow a beard with little success, and has broad shoulders. He has a smile that brightens up every room, and a calming presence that draws people to him. His eyes shine with when he smiles, and his voice hits the perfect register between too deep and too high.
‘Not crazy’ is incredibly important to Jared, and a theme he brings up more than once. When pushed, he explains that a previous girlfriend “wouldn’t accept the breakup” and held on to Jared as he tried to leave her house. She is two years younger than Ohnsman, and it was a serious fear of his that last year, when he was a resident advisor, she would live in his building. She did not.
Notwithstanding the clinger who is Jared’s self-proclaimed longest relationship, he swears he likes strong women. Women who are confident are the closest thing Ohnsman can claim is his “type,” and he wants someone “kind of bitchy. I mean, upfront,” with him. “I need someone who can help me with scheduling and getting my life together. I know that sounds like a secretary, but is that really a bad thing?” Ohnsman asked, grinning innocently, and taking a gulp of his Miller Light.
“Bitchy” isn’t usually the way someone would explain a future partner, especially a “perfect” one, so it was on Ohnsman’s friends to get a few words on him and see where his head is at.
“Jerk. Total jerk. A grade-A jerk,” says Charlie Wartinger, friend of Jared’s from Phi Sigma Pi.
“Asshole,” says Derek Smith, also from Phi Sigma Pi.
“JFK Junior,” says Steph Peters, referring to his intense commitment to politics.
“The coolest, busiest, chilliest, most sarcastic guy ever,” says Reid Little, Ohnsmans “little” in Phi Sigma Pi’s fraternity, “and an asshole.”
Sam Filous just said “attractive.”
Alli Pellicha described him as “cat lover,” which is ironic considering he spent hours talking about how much he loved dogs.
In a world where money isn’t an issue, and he has unlimited time and resources, Jared would like to rescue dogs from kill shelters.
His life goal is to “get seven wolf dogs and they will follow me everywhere I go and about 600 other more.”
He firmly believes that dogs believe they are human, and get confused when they can’t do everything actual humans can do. When pushed to elaborate on his goal he said it’d be “pretty bad-ass to have all those dogs. Oh, and to pay off all my and my family’s debts.”
In a fictional world, Ohnsman’s still a nicer guy than he claims he is.
Hopefully, his 10-year old goal of “becoming president of the world” works out, and he has the opportunity to get enough dogs to sicken PETA.
A guy who recognizes his flaws and admits that he views himself as “kind of an asshole,” doesn’t come across that he’s actually an asshole. He playfully banters with his female roommate as she gets ready for a party, and he fixes dinner for everyone. He also kindly offers to clean up after everyone is done eating.
“He’s a loyal guy, who I’m glad to call my friend,” says Zach Morgan, one of Jared’s closest friends from Phi Sigma Pi.
Although his reasoning for choosing Ohio University is fairly flimsy (“it seemed cool”), he is determined to leave OU better than he found it, which is why he is working so hard in Student Senate.
Seems pretty perfect, huh? A sarcastic, funny, smart guy who wants a strong woman (preferably with a natural hair color), and who has long term goals. Well, pounce quickly ladies, he’s incredibly busy.
“An ideal relationship is someone who’s cool with seeing me once a week, when we go to the library and study together,” Ohnsman says.
He also added that “girls are stupid and a waste of my time,” which just means this hunk is incredibly single, right?