While some of us are dressed up in our cutest Elphaba and Glinda or slutty Labubu costumes, the rest of us are reminiscing on the scariest thing of all this Halloween: our failed relationships. Let’s face it: your future husband isn’t somebody you should have to say, “I swear he looks better in person!” when showing his profile picture to your friends. He’s not your boo, he’s just a jumpscare.
Thirteen girls shared stories about toxic exes, former situationships, and the spells these warlocks put them under.
No treats, just tricks: let’s go down the graveyard of lovers’ past. Hear these stories from girls all around, and see how your ex is still able to haunt you.
1: He told me “not to worry” when I saw him with another girl
Great…one glass of attention, please? He’s definitely not the victim now, but he may be when I’m done with him.
2: He told me he only likes brunettes… I’m blonde.
Been there. Whatever you do, don’t dye your hair for him.
3: He texted “we need to talk” and then took a nap.
Let me guess: plaid sheets and a navy comforter. Oh, and one flat, stained, hot pillow.
4: Broke up with me because we weren’t astrologically compatible
Oh girl…let me check your horoscope. A nice guy is in your future, and he’s not a Gemini.
5: Said he was too busy for me but went out and partied with his female roommates
Immediate red flag.
6: Cooked me dinner and then venmo requested me for half of the groceries
Quick question…WTF? No broke boys, please.
7: Said he was “lowkey seeing someone” to his ex… mind you, i was the “lowkey”.
It’s always the exes. Never chase, just attract.
8: stalked my venmo requests and confronted me for sending money to a guy. it was my brother.
Damn. This screams insecurity and instability. Did the same last name not give it away?
9: told me he doesn’t believe in anniversaries, but cried on his exes’ birthday.
Why is it always their exes? GOD!!
10: Left a “Love bite” on my neck that lasted a week.
WTF?! Are we sure he’s not a vampire?
11: He ghosted me and now drunk texts me every friday.
Chills down my spine. Coming back from the dead, like a zombie.
12: Never apologized, just said “sorry you feel that way”.
Can we say COMMUNICATION??
And for the final addition to this scary story, I’ll be adding my own personal experience…
13: drove my car around, ran out of gas, rejected me, and then left.
A funny story two years later, but damn, that one hurt. Dagger in the heart.
An obituary to the almosts: may they rest in peace eternally. It’s hotter where they are.