As a bisexual woman—and possibly pansexual, who knows honestly—who considers herself to have a relatively fluid sexuality, I began to wonder if others felt the same. We hear stories of experimental phases in college and drunk hookups, but where is the line in the sand drawn? Does this line even exist? I asked people of various sexualities a few questions in hopes of discovering what empowers us most: a scale, a label, or nothing at all?
First, I asked those being interviewed: What is your sexual orientation and why have you decided to identify this way? What was your journey like?
Interviewee 1 [identifies as lesbian]: “I identify as a lesbian. I was bisexual at first because I was scared. I always knew that I didn’t like men but could not say it. A big part of that journey was meeting queer friends and having them empower me to be more open. Sexuality can be who you’re attracted to or who you want to end up with, it can mean whatever you want. I was doing what felt right, and it never felt right with men.”
Interviewee 2 [identifies as straight]: “I think I am mostly straight. I don’t want to date a woman, but I would make out with a woman. It’s all up in the air. I would not want to marry a woman. When experimenting with a woman, I didn’t want it to go past kissing. Being in college allowed me to further explore my sexuality. I only want to kiss my girlfriends, but I don’t have a deep attraction to random strangers. However, regarding my girlfriends I find myself not wanting a relationship, I’m not asking what’s next.”
Interviewee 3 [identifies as gay]: “I identify as gay. Very randomly and infrequently, I have mini crushes on women, but I don’t act on it. I still identify as gay because it more accurately describes my sexuality. I started having homosexual feelings around puberty. I knew but suppressed it for a while, but it became more apparent over time. I identified as bisexual for a while, and had crushes on women in primary years but it transitioned into only men. This is probably due to the heteronormative expectation and what I was taught.”
Interviewee 4 [identifies as bisexual]: “I identify as bisexual. I always knew that I liked men because I found them attractive. One day, I met a woman that flirted with me, and it felt the same as it did with men. I had a crush on her, and my crush on her made me realize that I often found women attractive and paid it no mind because I liked men too like I was supposed to. I was religious as well, so I avoided the feelings until I couldn’t anymore because I had met a woman that I really liked. This experience made me realize that there were certain women and men out there that I could not simply be friends with, and that both genders were a possibility for falling in love.”
Next, I asked them: Have any experiences ever made you question this label/your sexual orientation? Please describe that and why it made you question but not change your label.
Interviewee 1 [identifies as lesbian]: “I never questioned it. I can realize they’re attractive without acting sexually or romantically on it. Never a true question.”
Interviewee 2 [identifies as straight]: “I kissed one of my best friends. It was passionate, but I didn’t want to date or have sex. I questioned why it happened and why I initiated it, but I wasn’t motivated to pursue it any further.”
Interviewee 3 [identifies as gay]: “I find random celebrities attractive, but I question if I am attracted to them? I didn’t change the label because these feelings are infrequent, and I don’t act on them. Feelings for men are more intense and there are more romantic feelings for women versus more sexual ones for men.”
Interviewee 4 [identifies as bisexual]: “I’m currently in a serious relationship with a woman and often don’t know if I could marry a man. The man would have to possess feminine qualities and be emotionally intelligent if I were to marry them. This makes me question but not change my label because I think if I met the right man, it could still be a possibility.”
Lastly, I asked them: How has this label affected you? Do you feel it has had more positive or negative effects? Do you feel more open or closed off or maybe you feel both?
Interviewee 1 [identifies as lesbian]: “I am less of an open person in the sense that I would not act on finding a man attractive. Others’ opinions of the label wouldn’t change what I do. I never thought about coming out, it’s just who I am and I didn’t want it to be abnormal. [Labels] are for others to understand me better, it’s not for me. We’re obsessed with putting people in boxes. It’s for others, their perception is not the truth. I felt less held back with this label.”
Interviewee 2 [identifies as straight]: “I know I’m straight, but I don’t let that dictate what I do. I know I want to marry a man and I’m attracted to them, but I don’t let it stop me from doing what I want. I just ventured on this side of the line today and I go back to reality the next day. I’m not closed off because of the label. It doesn’t affect me much.”
Interviewee 3 [identifies as gay]: “It had more negative connotations in middle and high school. It was annoying for everyone to be speculating about my sexuality when it’s none of their business. I’m very happy being gay now, and it helps me to be part of a culture/community that I really enjoy. I would say it’s more positive than anything.”
Interviewee 4 [identifies as bisexual]: “This label affected me negatively in high school, as people were often judging me for my attraction to the same sex and were steered away from me because of it. However, being in college and getting to explore the attraction was much more empowering. Accepting my attraction to both sexes and acting on it has made me more open than the label itself. The label does grant me a certain level of community.”
The people that were interviewed lacked rigid boundaries regarding their identified sexuality. Sex and marriage seem to be more of a solid confine, as opposed to mere attraction. These people generally interpreted labels as a formality that makes things easier for others, rather than a sense of security for themselves. However, they do often reap social benefits from using these labels. In conclusion, there is no real conclusion and it’s all nuanced. Hope that helps! Seriously though, our sexuality is for us to define and experiment with. A scale, a label, a vibe—whatever it may be, use what’s most empowering for you.