It is hard to encapsulate what it means and feels like to be an older sister because individual experiences will always be so different due to varying family dynamics. I am seven years older than my sister, which in my opinion is a pretty large age gap. Over the years, we have grown closer but in this article I would like to share both the good and bad sides of what it meant for me to be an older sister.
As a child, I was very independent and found myself excelling in school work, achieving in sports and doing basically everything on my own. My parents had a baby to take care of when I was seven, so understandably, I had to learn how to do things individually. Due to this, and my personality in general, I had a hard time accepting help from others and didn’t require a lot of attention from adults to get things done. As my sister and I have gotten older, this dynamic has not changed much. My sister requires a lot more attention in just about everything – school, homework, sports and just general activities that kids enjoy. For a long time, my needs have slipped through the cracks; partially because my parents were busy with my sister and also because I had grown up feeling like I needed, and did, do everything on my own. To me, being an older sister means putting yourself and your needs below what your younger sibling might need, but not to the extent that your mental health deteriorates.
Resentment is a strong word, but I will admit that there are many areas of my life in which I felt resentment towards my little sister. Despite the age gap, she always seemed to have more friends than I did, more success in sports, and got more attention than I did in general. Shortly after I started figure skating, my mom also enrolled my sister with the same private coach that I had. After I quit figure skating in the summer of 2021, it was hard to watch my sister keep improving and doing more with skating than I was ever able to because of my rigorous school and job. Now, I am very happy for her, but coming to terms with the fact that I was never able to reach that point in skating took a lot of work and self reflection. I still get feelings of remorse when I enter the rink for her competitions but being an older sister means celebrating the accomplishments of your younger sibling while simultaneously celebrating yourself even if your success is reflected in a different way.
Another feeling I have towards my little sister is protection; protection from other people, failures at school, my parents, and even herself. I struggle with mental illness and multiple disorders and I would never wish my experiences with mental health and parents on anyone, especially my sister. As we have both grown up, I vividly recall mediating arguments between her and my parents so she realized that she was not the problem and did not deserve a lot of the things that have happened in our lives. Because she is homeschooled and I was not, there are lots of differences in our thinking and experiences with our parents. I have found that it is hard for her to form her own opinions because she always has my mom right by her side to help with schoolwork, homework and telling her what is right or wrong. This most recent Thanksgiving, I had to lightly bring up different points of view during our conversations because I want her to realize not everything my mom says is true. I wanted to assure her that she doesn’t always have to believe something just because our mom said it. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a way that eventually allowed me to discover who I am and what I stand for, without my parents interference. I fear that she will not become her own person if I am not there to both protect her and introduce her to new perspectives.
Because of our large age gap, I wasn’t able to really bond with my sister when we were younger. However, I want to make up for that lost time by spending time with her whenever I can and going to all of her plays, recitals, and skating competitions. Working on myself and becoming a greater version of myself has made me a better older sister and allowed me to connect with her. Many older sisters out there do not feel seen but your achievements and lifestyle should and will be celebrated when you make sure to celebrate and be proud of yourself.