I was recently out with a friend when the topic of our love lives came up. She wanted to show me her new love interests, which consisted of the matches she made on various online dating platforms. Before opening her app of choice, she looked over both shoulders, ensuring that no bypassers could peer over and see that she was on a dating app. This prompted a conversation about whether or not dating apps are embarrassing to have.
My current partner and I met on Hinge, a platform that brands themselves as “the dating app designed to be deleted.” I have felt a weird sense of shame on multiple occasions when it comes to telling the story of how we met. I typically say that we met at a coffee shop because technically, we did, as that was the setting of our first date. However, our initial interactions took place over Hinge. The relationship I am in now is healthy and happy, so why is there a lingering sense of embarrassment about how we found each other? Is this sentiment shared by others in similar situations?
The culture of online dating began thirty years ago with the creation of match.com. The website pioneered a wave of platforms that cater around different dating goals. Each dating app has branded itself very specifically to attract its target audience.
Tinder is the app to go to if you are interested in casual dating and hookups, whereas eHarmony is notably for those ready to find their spouse. Bumble is designed so that the woman has to send the first message and it even has a category for meeting friends rather than exclusively searching for romance. Hinge is for those who are seeking a relationship. HER is an app for sapphic women to meet each other. Grindr is another queer app, specifically for LGBTQ+ people looking for hookups. There are countless other apps such as Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid, and Raya, but more are being developed as time goes on.
Regardless of which dating app one finds themselves on, the platform usually requires certain information from the user such as their age, sexuality, city, and the answers to get-to-know-you type questions. Pictures are also required for the completion of an individual’s profile.
By gathering this information, dating apps accomplish a number of things. For one, users are able to immediately tell if they are physically attracted to another person, and if they match, it means that the attraction is mutual. This saves the awkwardness of trying to find out for yourself.
If a user is on an app, it also establishes their singleness, or at least one would hope, which is another aspect of dating that can be an awkward limbo in discovering. Relationship intentions are usually specified on dating platforms, with a number of generated answers that correspond with what one is looking for in a relationship or romantic connection. Typically, one’s profile will display something along the lines of “looking for a long-term relationship, open to short,” or vice versa. Of course, it is not limited to either response. When I was active on Hinge, my profile said that I was “still figuring out dating goals.” Regardless, having a clear intention set helps for users to see how compatible they are with each other.
By viewing potential matches, the user is also able to determine if their sexualities are compatible with each other, which takes an enormous amount of stress off of queer users especially.
Speaking from experience, determining whether or not someone of the same sex is queer takes a considerable amount of energy and patience. It’s not only the question of whether someone is compatible with you sexually, but there is also the matter of acceptance. For people attracted to more than one gender, there might be times where they have to come out to their potential partner. Unfortunately, there is never a guarantee of how someone will respond to this, but dating apps relieve someone of doing so because their sexuality is displayed on their profile from the start.
This feature is especially important for transgender people, as they are uniquely vulnerable to violence because of their gender identity. High rates of abuse occurring in relationships or with romantic interests are reported from transgender people. One out of six will experience physical abuse inflicted by their partner. The act of coming out is also something that puts transgender people at risk more than any other member of the queer community. Dating apps make it possible to do this virtually, ensuring the safety of the individual during the conversation.
Women can also experience similar security through dating apps as they are able to converse with their match and feel them out before actually meeting them. Sadly, this is not always the case though, as harassment and unwanted messages can be sent over dating apps.
In fact, dating apps do come with a number of risks. Not only can unwanted interactions occur, but so can catfishing. A user can also lie about their age or other personal information.
Dating online is like dating in person: it should be approached with precaution.
While I cannot say whether users on dating apps are acting appropriately, I know that online dating has become increasingly popular.
Since being in university, I have noticed that a number of my peers—if not the majority—have at some point used a dating app. There are some people who seem to have the applications downloaded at any given time, while others will have it for only a number of days. Some people will stick to just one, while others explore the plethora of forums out there.
In the United States alone, there are about 60 million users on dating apps. Over 74% of Gen Zers and millennials are currently using or have used an online dating platform, and millennials spend an average of two hours of their day on their app of choice. If dating apps are so common, why do people view them in drastically different lights? Why is it so often thought of as embarrassing?
I have had conversations with people who think that being on a dating app is promiscuous while others think it reeks of desperation. At the same time though, there’s vulnerability in having a profile and putting yourself out there. Having an account on any platform means that you are looking and open to some type of connection.
With so many people being active on these platforms, it sparks the question about the new age of dating: are meet-cutes out, replaced by swiping and sending digital roses?