In our culture, especially our college culture, the female orgasm has remained elusive and relatively ignored. Most people are unsure how to achieve it, how it occurs, and what happens when something actually does happen. Here are the ideas and experiences of six NYU students on how the orgasm fits into our society and lives.
#1 She/Her/Hers, Pansexual, Not in a Relationship
“My first orgasm, when I realized what a real orgasm was, was after being with my partner for a long time. It was a little more than a year of us having sex when something actually happened to me. I think that for me, my mind has to be very involved for me to get to a point to where I can orgasm. We had a really good understanding of each other and I was very comfortable with him. We wanted to explore a little bit more.
So we were having sex and had a great moment. We were in the backseat of his car, in the garage. We had a really good conversation. I shared some really meaningful things about myself, and vice versa. And that led up to it. It just happened. I was very, very surprised. I feel a surge from my chest down. Whenever it happens and I’m in the middle of having sex with him, he can feel it too. I contract and I ejaculate. He can definitely feel that.
What makes an orgasm so meaningful is that it involves all of you. Sex is very complex. Maybe you’re not in a relationship, or you’re in a power dynamic. A lot of times I was having sex it wasn’t about me caring about that person. I was trying to fix the relationship, or help us become closer, or just trying to distract myself from something deeper. When I finally had sex that meant something, reflected my emotions, and was about me expressing how much I cared about that person, that’s when the orgasm happened.”
#2 She/Her/Hers, Heterosexual, Not in a Relationship
“I had my first orgasm with a guy who was a good friend. It was in a car, and we were talking and it happened. It was weird because I thought it would be this big thing, but it was with this cool guy who I didn’t talk to every day and didn’t have this really big emotional connection with. But I have to at least be friends with someone in order to have an orgasm.
The first time it took me…maybe fifteen minutes. Having an orgasm helps me know what feels good, and I can recognize when it is and when it isn’t going to happen. That’s when I realized I needed to have an emotional connection in order to achieve an orgasm. So in terms of how I would like sex to be, an orgasm has changed my perspective.
It feels like that Toy Story character where he says ‘I’m shaking in my boots’! It feels like that! It was really strong. I don’t know how long it lasts.
I enjoy sex outside of the orgasm. I don’t go into sex always expecting to have an orgasm. I feel pressure though to help a guy achieve an orgasm. And with my last boyfriend, he was really picky. I always thought if I wasn’t getting him off, there was something wrong with me. It depends on the person and on the situation. Sometimes I get the person off just to end it.”
#3 They/Them/Theirs, Queer, Not in a Relationship
“I want to say that I’ve been sexually active since my sophomore year of high school. So for about three years. I achieved orgasm within six months of being sexually active. I’ve never been with a partner, I’ve just masturbated.
I don’t think I really knew what was happening. When I had an orgasm my stomach was clenching and it felt weird, but also good. I don’t have orgasms to make me feel better. Having an orgasm requires effort. I need to start out feeling good. I think I achieved orgasm once in fifteen minutes; that’s the fastest. In general it takes 30 minutes. I’ve never not used material, but I have a tumblr blog!
I know sex isn’t something that I have to have, but maybe because I haven’t had a partner, I feel that pressure. Maybe it’s societal pressure. There are times where I want a partner, and then times where I feel like being single is the greatest thing in the world.”
#4 She/Her/Hers, Heterosexual, Monogamous Relationship
“I started being sexually active when I was 16. I was with someone older, so I felt that pressure to be active. I didn’t know anything about sex until I was in a relationship. Sex kind of lost its meaning to me. The way sex is portrayed is that it’s always going to be good, but that’s not the case.
I want to have an emotional connection when I have sex but usually that’s not the case. I don’t think that I’ve had an orgasm. People always say that you’d know if you’d have one. I think once males come, they think, oh, this is the end, I’m done now. I want to know what an orgasm feels like, but it’s different for every woman. I feel very pressured when guys tell me they want me to orgasm, but I don’t know how long it will take. I feel very frustrated…I don’t want to wait that long to get an orgasm.
It’s also frustrating when your partner doesn’t orgasm. There’s so much pride involved in having sex. It feels like you’re doing something wrong when a guy doesn’t orgasm, but it may just be them. You don’t need to orgasm for sex to be good.”
#5 She/Her/Hers, Pansexual, Open Relationship
“I have mostly dated girls and I’ve identified as pansexual for about 3-4 years. Pansexuality means to me that I am attracted to any and all genders. When I approach someone I don’t differentiate between them based on their gender. In my freshman year of high school I was only attracted to guys. And then I found out I was pansexual, from a combination of feeling that way and of hearing the definition. At first I identified as queer and then I realized I was pansexual. People usually confuse it with lesbianism, but that’s not what it is. I also think that gender and sexuality are social constructs.
I am in a polyamorous relationship with someone. We’re in a relationship with more than one person; he has a girlfriend on the West Coast. I love it, I’m seeing where it goes. No one has gotten jealous so far and I’ve met his girlfriend. We’re all friends.
For me, I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm, but sex feels good. Having an orgasm is not the be-all-end-all. Sometimes I have sex and no one orgasms—that’s cool. We just reach a point where it ends and we enjoy ourselves. You shouldn’t feel pressured during sex. That makes it nerve wracking! I’m just having fun.”
#6 She/Her/Herself, Hetero, Monogamous Relationship
“I’ve been masturbating for a really long time, but when I was little I didn’t realize that that was what I was doing. I was never really sure when I first orgasmed. But I have definitively had an orgasm, and I would say my first time – even though there is a possibility that I had had one before – was with my current boyfriend in this past year.
My current boyfriend is a super open person. He’s a hippie! He opened me up to this idea of mindful sex, which is different from having sex, and having an orgasm, and having it be over. I’ve told myself I have to come. You can do it, I tell myself. I give myself ultimatums. It’s a little voice in my head.
When I’m with him I can let everything go. I feel comfortable breathing. I can just sit and breathe. No one’s running to go to the next place, no one needs anything from me. I hate when orgasms become a goal in sex. But I’m sure if I would let myself sit and enjoy the sex, I would have more orgasms. Making orgasms a goal rushes everything into it, you skip foreplay, and you can’t have that emotional experience. Quickies are fun and they have their place, but they aren’t a sexual experience.
When an orgasm is building up, I feel heat growing in my body. And the final moment is when it gets to my face. I have to close my eyes. Everything gets dark, and I feel my vagina clenching.
As girls we’re afraid of not looking sexy, and of our bodily fluids. People also don’t want to become vulnerable in front of someone. Which is why there is casual sex. But casual sex is not making love. It’s penetration, without being emotional. It’s important for us to be vulnerable with our full body, heart, and mind.”