Maybe it’s me still combating my internalised homophobia but saying the word ‘lesbian’ can feel intimidating. It feels like such a loaded word, and in many ways it is. Not only is it one of the most important parts of my identity, but with it comes a lot of baggage, history and meaning. In the past, I’ve used the word ‘gay’ instead, finding it an easier way of identifying the same way. However, although ‘gay’ can be a good umbrella term and I think a still useful way for queer people to label themselves as, we should be able to say lesbian with our chest.
In part maybe it’s because lesbian feels like an extreme. I know for many lesbians, including myself, a common route is coming out as bisexual before identifying as a lesbian. This may be because self-identity and discovering our sexualities is a journey, and not an easy one. But again, I think a big part of this is down to internalised homophobia and misogyny. I know for me, admitting I was attracted to women was the easy part. The difficult part was acknowledging that I wasn’t attracted to men. It’s a lot scarier. Decentring men from your life, even romantically, is a significant change. Being bisexual somehow appeared more palatable and easy for people to digest. This again why I slowly transitioned to say ‘gay’ before fully committing to the lesbian label. It was likely down to my own insecurities, but again I do believe the word ‘lesbian’ carries a lot of weight. It is a statement, one I am proud to make, but not necessarily a statement I want to have to reinforce every day. Saying ‘Lesbian’ suddenly feels like that becomes your whole identity, and that you don’t have anything outside of that. Even the number of times I have written this in my own article makes me nervous, the fear that I am just making it my whole personality. If I talk about girls I am seeing romantically, am I just talking about dating the same way my straight friends are, or am I somehow shoving the gay agenda down everyone’s throats?
The connotations that come with the label are not always positive, and therefore there is a fear of embracing that identity means having to carry the stereotypes that come with it. Lesbians are painted as angry, man hating and even predatory to other women. These stereotypes have been drilled into us for so long. Take yourself back to year 9 PE lessons, getting changed in the locker rooms. You couldn’t dare make eye contact with another girl without accusations being thrown that you were a raging homosexual. For many, early experiences like that, is what installs the fear of being seen as a ‘lesbian’ because it is reminiscent of the shame that comes with the label.
It’s all well and good to say, but don’t worry now, that fear has completely gone, be confident in your identity, because understandably it is not as simple as that for all of us. Even when I came out to my grandmother, I didn’t utter the word ‘lesbian’ knowing that would likely end in disaster. Instead, simply even addressing that I was dating a woman was a big enough statement to her. I did have to clarify that I would not end up marrying a man, when she told me that I would end up with a man at some point. Even a year on from this conversation, the word ‘Lesbian’ has not passed either of our lips when in conversation with one another. Although I have made it aggressively clear in other ways that I am, when it comes to actually saying the word I can’t do it. It hangs in the air instead. Something we are both aware of yet manage to constantly tip toe around to avoid any confrontation or misunderstanding.
Even historians and scholars are afraid to use the word. When exploring different time periods and discussing historical figures, historians have found it difficult as to what are the correct labels to use in a past where technically lesbians did not exist. That is not to say that queer people did not exist centuries ago, but since the Middle Ages up until around the 18th century, homosexuality technically did not exist. There were no heterosexual or homosexual acts. Instead, sex was defined by reproductive and non-reproductive acts. Although same-sex sexual acts have occurred since the beginning, the way we perceive our identity today with labels like ‘lesbian’ did not exist. In fact, even the concept of identity, beyond gender is widely debated in history of its existence in early periods. Therefore, how can a label be placed upon people when that identity and concept did not exist? This is why many historians feel uncomfortable to use the word lesbian, as we have no clue if historical women would view themselves as such in today’s society. However, there is issue with using terms like ‘homosexuality’ or ‘same-sex acts’ as it either then becomes more centred around male homosexuality or focuses too much on women’s sexual activity rather than their identities and relationships as a whole.
Unfortunately, there likely will never be the perfect word for historians to use. In my own work, I chose to use the word ‘lesbian’, mostly because of male historians uncomfortable to use it and wanting to view these women as more than just an act, or something sexual. Being a lesbian is not merely about what goes on in the bedroom, it’s a culture, identity, and holds significance. This historiographical debate, alongside our own fears with the word ‘lesbian today’ show how much power there is around language. In part, because our identities were not given a label until the late Victorian period, with the earliest record of the word homosexual found in 1869, and lesbian in 1870. For many, giving these acts and identities language associated with it, meant it could not be hidden anymore. Giving these identities a label meant it gave us power.
So why should we address our identities head on? Again, this uncomfortablity itself may not exist for some, and that is completely respectable. For me, its about checking myself and thinking before I speak. Saying ‘gay’ just seems like the easy way out when I know full well, I am a lesbian. The fear that you are making most people uncomfortable is not real. Of course, homophobia still exists that’s not going anywhere yet, but in most cases people simply do not care. Being queer in any capacity is something to be proud of, and something to say with confidence. This is not simply a lesbian only struggle. So, speak up. Making yourself palatable and convenient for everyone else’s sake is not going to pay off. Although it is going to make you uncomfortable at times, it is definitely worth it.