Scenario: It’s the end of a messy night in Ocean. The club lights switch on revealing a sea of sweaty students stumbling to the exit. You are faced with two choices: 1) Take home that stud who flexed his pecks during ‘I’ll be
ready sweaty’ or 2) Make love to some Maccy D’s or one of its greasy equivalents.
Maybe these real life student stories will convince you to stop shamelessly bed hopping and grab that kebab. We asked a pool of UoN students about their Jaegerbomb fuelled frolicking and here’s what we found out…
“A guy I had a one night stand with had taken a s#%t load of pills at Dollop. I was horrified when mid-romp he started screaming at me hysterically because he’d hallucinated and thought (and said) I was a horse. Insulting doesn’t quite cover it”. Possibly worse than pilly willy. Been watching too much of The Godfather, clearly…
Love and sex and magic…
Unsuspecting lad goes back with a girl only to find dirty pillow talk replaced by the soothing tones of Stephen Fry reciting a Harry Potter audiobook for two hours…the source revealed that “it wasn’t foreplay”. Not the Chamber of Secrets he was expecting to enter that night. Whether or not the conquest was a member of the Nottingham Quidditch society remains unknown…
The sweet escape: Hump and jump excuses…
“I slept with a Nottingham local and wanted to leave at 6am so pretended I was a milkman and had to do my rounds” *Matt, fourth Year.
“Someone I had a one night stand with told me that his friend had cracked his head open so he had to leave. Another ‘went to the toilet’ and never came back.” *Sarah, Hump and Jump Victim.
“I once had a one night stand and the girl wouldn’t leave. I resorted to putting my full football kit on and lied that I had a match. I got a train with her to where I play footie, waited until she left and then went home”. We hope that the sex was worth the effort!
“I found out my girlfriend cheated on me when I pulled out a used condom from the night before during foreplay…need I say we hadn’t slept together the previous night? (She went to Ocean)”. PEAK.
“I was taking advantage of the free hot choc that they give you in the SU. After a good few minutes of chattering away to the lad who gave me the drink I recognised him as last night’s conquest”. *Hannah, third year. JUST. RUN.
If you’re caught out like Bridget and not prepared in the undies department…
“I was in a cab in the way home with a guy and panic set in when I realised I was wearing the biggest Bridget Jones knickers going. In a fluster, I whipped them off in his bathroom and pretended I was going commando all night. He loved it.”*Georgina, second year.
“I pulled a guy and wanted to take him home so I made my friend exchange her sexy thong for my granny pants in the Ocean toilets.”*Bethany, first year.
Or just embrace ‘em like Bridge… Never turned off Colin Firth or Hugh Grant!
“I went back for some steamy action but was so drunk I passed out in the guy’s bed. To my horror, the next morning I had come on my period and leaked all over his white sheets. Couldn’t have got out of there quicker”! *Steph, second Year. You just shouldn’t admit things like that. Period.
“In the middle of the night a guy vomited all over me AND my recently washed bed sheets. With no recourse but to clean it up, I went downstairs to get kitchen roll…my face when I saw him running halfway down Lenton Boulevard in his boxers…”
The rebound romp
“I was having sex with a girl and she started crying her eyes out about her ex. I made her some pasta bake to cheer her up”*Max, fourth year. N’aww, who said chivalry was dead, ay?
Three lads all got lucky in Ocean and pulled three different girls from the same house. The guys did a treble walk of shame together the next morning because they were all house mates. (Yeah, I’m not sure if I believe this lot either).
“Saw a group of my guy mates waiting for the bus outside Sainsbury’s when I was doing the walk of shame so I hid in a bush until they went”. *Jessica
“My one night rendezvous led to a two year relationship!”*Jenny…Cute… :/
“I lost my virginity on a one night stand on the downs after the Freshers’ Silent Disco Party”.*Katie. Classy.
“I once went down on a girl during a one night stand and she farted in my face!” *Callum, second year That’s what you get for being too generous boys!
“I was in bed with a guy and he stopped halfway through and started sobbing because he’d ‘been a bad person’ and started praying to me in Arabic. He made me repeat the prayers in Arabic because ‘I had been a bad person too”. Anonymous …Wow.
So ladies, next time you’re doing the walk of shame, REMEMBER…
If you think this is bad, just wait til the itching starts…
* Names have been changed