Welcome latest batch of freshers! You’re just arriving in a new and unfamiliar place to embark on the best three years of your life, and unbeknown to you, a never ending identity crisis about the North-South Divide (pick a team and stick to it). To avoid making all the classic mistakes every year before you has made, we’ve listed them below. You’ve been warned!
The Perilous Ocean Queue
Ah The Big-O. It harbours the power from the moon and at some point we are all swept into its warm, sticky arms to be serenaded to One Direction. The Ocean queue is home to those ticketless and so desperate to get in they’re willing to sell their leg, their best friend and their soul. Unless you’re prepared for a good deal of shoving, and a fair amount of urination, give it a miss.
False Friends
You move in on the first day and Jane from next door seems so sweet and friendly, and you’re so relieved that you’ve made a friend you stick to her like glue. Come November, you’re the first to sign up for a second year house together, along with the mysterious blonde guy from across the hall and his two geeky friends who grow fluffy beards and argue about Karl Marx’s mother. It only takes until to December to realise that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake; Jane is obsessed with stalking her ex-boyfriend, the mysterious blond is an undercover agent and the other two are low-key weirdos who do experiments on their leg hair. The moral of the story is get to know your friends before you commit to being stuck with them for the next two years.
“I’ll get this round”
You’ve made a great bunch of friends and you’re all out being drunk and happy together, making regrettable decisions in Black Cherry Lounge. “I’ll get this round!” you shout to them all, and you’re met with whoops of elation, everyone pats you on the back and mumbles something along the lines of “I’ll pay you back tomorrow” as they neck their shots quicker than you can change your mind. The next morning comes, you’re £50 down and suddenly all your friends have disappeared into the cracks in the wall. You never do get that money back, and you quickly learn that rounds are never, ever repaid.
Takeaways All Day ‘Erry Day
The catered food hasn’t been top notch that night, and your rich friend from Hertfordshire (you’ll 100% have one) suggests a takeaway. Ben, my friend, you are a legend. Pizzas all round. But then it becomes more constant: McDonalds every Monday, Chinese every Tuesday, until suddenly your favourite dress doesn’t fit you and you end up in meltdown on the phone to your mum. Look what you’ve done Ben, look what you’ve done.
Jason From Down the Hall
It’s the last night of freshers. He’s decent looking and you’ve had a dull night so you go for it. It seems like a great idea. You’re an independent, liberated woman and you do what you want. Then you realise the next day with deep, deep sadness that you now have to spend the rest of first year tiptoeing past his room and pretending not to see his ‘what u up to’ texts every day. So avoid this one and remember, there’s plenty of fish outside your halls!
So that’s it freshers! Follow these tips and you’ll have an amazing year with hopefully little to no regrets.
Edited by Jenine Tudtud
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