EXISTING IN A SPACE BETWEEN: PRESSURE AND JUDGEMENT BISEXUALS FACE IN THE QUEER AND STRAIGHT COMMUNITIES

An unchanging feature of queer discourse, predominantly online, but frequently in-person, is an attempt to impose opinions, judgements, and sub-identifiers onto members of the bisexual community. Society seems to have a uniquely difficult time with people whose identities fall ‘somewhere in between’, and bisexual people are no exception to this. I am by no means trying to state in this article that bisexual-identifying people have it harder than other queer groups, I am simply attempting to shed light and awareness onto the unique experiences and struggles faced by people of this particular community.

Bisexual people seem to have trouble even getting through the door to the queer community in the first place. Whereas people who identify as gay or lesbian (who of course deal with their own equally difficult set of struggles) are able to at the very least be believed in their sexual identity, bisexuals upon coming out typically find themselves in a new predicament to now ‘prove’ that they are what they say they are. Many female-identifying bisexuals on coming out for the first time face quite negative or disbelieving responses, such as ‘but you’ve never dated a girl, so how would you know?’or other skeptical remarks, and it is common for these girls to feel as though they have to ‘prove’ their sexuality by having ‘evidence’ of it, or at least be able to credit themselves with the fact that they have felt like this for a ‘justifiable’ amount of time. These feelings are bred by society’s assumption that bisexuality is a phase, or that bisexuals are just experimenting, and of course these instances do happen, and it should be perfectly acceptable for people to try on labels and try different experiences in order to learn about who they are, but feeling like you have to ‘prove’ your sexuality to people has nothing to do with how well you are ‘performing’ your identity, and everything to do with society’s inability to accept you in the right way.

The feeling that bisexuality is a performance that you can do ‘well’ at is likely an extremely familiar feeling for people who identify under this label. The nature of bisexuality as being ‘in between’ other sexualities connotes an idea that you have to uphold an equal ratio of genders to consistently remind people that yes, you do like all genders, and here’s the evidence for that. A truth that society is not quite ready to hear is that yes, a bisexual who has only dated women is still bisexual, and vice-versa for bisexuals who have only dated men. When a straight person has been single for a while nobody begins to question whether they’re ‘actually straight’, it is simply an undisputed fact about that person. With the way biphobia operates within queer discourse, it seems that people would rather bisexuals just identify as straight whilst they’re in a heterosexual relationship and identify as gay or lesbian whilst they’re in a relationship with someone of the same gender, because claiming to like everyone whilst your relationship announces a ‘preference’ seems to be a crime within queer and straight communities. Lots of biphobic discourse also doesn’t allow room for bisexuals who identify as non-binary, or who don’t conform to cisnormative ideas of gender.

Another disclaimer I would like to bring into this conversation is that this article is not to suggest that queer people who prefer to date within their shared queer identifier are neglecting the identity of bisexual people. Many people who identify as lesbians prefer to be with other people who identify as lesbians, due to the comfort and familiarity of a shared experience. However, problems arise when it is assumed that, for female-identifying bisexuals, their attraction and love towards women is ‘watered-down’ or outweighed due to their simultaneous attraction to men. With the nature of our society being centred around men, members of queer communities seem to view someone’s ‘validity’ as a queer person to depend on the extent to which men are ‘centred’ in their sexual preference. For example, a female-identifying bisexual who has dated more women than men, is sometimes seen as more ‘valid’ within the queer community, due to the perceived de-centering of men in her sexual preference. Often, the sanctity of queer communities as being a safe space away from heterosexual groups faces a conundrum with bisexual people, who are often thought to be ‘partially straight’ and therefore a threat to queer communities. As a society we need to debunk the myth that bisexual people are ‘half gay’ and ‘half straight’ and instead accept it for what it is: a queer identity within its own right.

Due to the readership of HerCampus I have focused on these issues in relation to bisexuals who identify as women or non-binary, however male-identifying bisexuals are subject to the same patriarchal-induced pressures and stereotypes which must be discussed. Many will be familiar with the age-old assumption that female-identifying bisexuals are ‘basically straight, but like to experiment’ and male-identifying bisexuals are ‘basically gay, but not ready to come out yet’, with the common denominator of both assumptions being that men are centred as the primary object of attraction. Ofcourse both of these stereotypes encapsulate more complex societal factors, but at a surface level, attraction to men is foregrounded as the most plausible assumption for bisexuals of all gender identities.

I discuss these various issues faced by bisexuals in order to promote awareness about toxic assumptions as well as biphobia that disguises itself as seemingly mundane comments within both the queer and straight communities. Lots of people online enjoy establishing their own ‘stance’ on dating bisexual people, highlighting their personal preferences in relation to people identifying as bisexuals, but as is an issue with anyone expressing ‘preferences’ online, it has the potential to reinforce harmful pre-existing stereotypes that make it more difficult for people who do identify under these labels to just exist how they are. Having a preference or opinion about different identities, or a preference regarding who you would be open to dating, is perfectly valid and okay, but consider how expressing these reasons and opinions online might contribute to harmful discourses surrounding people of that community. Majority of the time, online, keeping preferences and opinions to yourself can be beneficial for many communities involved, as at the end of the day, bisexual people do and will continue to exist in all their different ways of expressing this identity, whether they feel validated by their communities or not. So we might as well try to make it a more welcoming space