So there I was on the brink of handing in my dissertation when my phone rang. I was greeted with excessively hysterical wailing; between the sobbing I learnt that my friend’s on-off boyfriend of two years had once again dumped her. Whilst it was all very sad, this was not the first dumping, and my sympathy levels were at an all-time low. Firstly, her boyfriend looks like a troll, secondly, he loves saying things like “hey babe, humans aren’t meant to be monogamous” and thirdly, all I wanted to do was sing from the roof tops that I had completed 8,000 words worth of academic genius (I hope). Anyway suffice to say, after about half an hour of the usual “eat your bodyweight in ice cream”, “all men suck” and “there are plenty more fish in the sea” I managed to get her off the phone and could start my celebrations.
I was however, somewhere between my 4th and 5th tequila slammer, struck that maybe the usual break up advice is not as effective as we think. Having been dumped more times that you can shake a stick at I thought I knew all there was to know. During my worst break up I decided to convert to Buddhism, this involved me getting a tattoo of a Buddha, buying a book called “8 Steps to Happiness” and joining a yoga class. Predictably it didn’t last long, notably when I learnt that A: I would have to give up meat (let me tell you nothing is getting in the way of me and a meat feast pizza); B: yoga involves more than just looking serene and saying Namaste (downwards facing dog is not, I repeat NOT as easy as it looks) and C: getting a religious icon tattooed on you, isn’t the answer to a broken heart. All this, and the fact that my friend never seems to be able to get over “The Troll” has made me seriously re-evaluate my advice….
Firstly, comfort eating is not the way forward. Whilst putting your face in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s may seem like a swell idea, when you do eventually move on you don’t want to emerge resembling a whale. Secondly, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is a temporary situation and that they will take you back. They dumped you, move on (brutal I know). Thirdly, don’t go on a man hating rampage, yes they can be tools, but they can also be nice. On the other side of the coin, don’t go on a massive rebound just because there are plenty more fish in the sea, it doesn’t mean you have to go extreme fishing. Fourthly, don’t mope about. Whilst doing nothing except watching re-runs of Friends and slobbing about in stained trackies may seem okay because you’ve been dumped, it’s not okay, it’s dirty. More to the point don’t cry all the time! Your friends don’t mind a few tears but when there’s enough to fill a small reservoir, it’s wet and boring. FINALLY, don’t turn to tattoos for condolence, whilst Barry the Buddha is a great edition to my body, I’m not sure I will feel the same aged thirty (yes Mum, you were right).