50 Shades of Grey, the self-published book which originated as Twilight fan fiction, has hit the UK in the last week and whipped up a frenzy, with everyone getting themselves to the cinema to see spanking and bondage on the big screen. Having read the books – mistake number one – I knew what 50 Shades was all about and was determined to not bother spending a penny on seeing it in motion. But, as per, I am only human and curiosity got the better of me. Before we knew it, my pal Ellie and I had settled ourselves into the welcomingly comfy seats at the Savoy and below, you’ll find 50 thoughts that raced through our minds during that 125 minutes.
1. Is that Ana? She needs a push up bra.
2. Her face is kinda dull. You could say… grey.
3. The gal next to me sounds like an industrial garbage truck when she eats her popcorn SOS send help.
4. Ms Steele studies English Lit….or English Clit…? Wheyyyy lads.
5. The sexual tension between these two is not even slightly palpable.
6. Did her mum cut Ana’s fringe like that so ppl would laugh at her? Because I am l a u g h i n g.
7. Forced laughter in the cinema guys pls control yourself. Much like Christian will later control Ana.
8. Is all the rain symbolic of her vaginal fluids?
9. Her roommate is so dead.
10. Why do lifeless characters like Bella and Ana end up with hotspices? It’s like, teach me your ways but at the same time, don’t.
11. So much nervous laughter amongst this audience.
12. 50 shades of no freakin way.
13. He just sent books to your front door, why aren’t you questioning why he knows where you live?
14. The popcorn crackling saga continues. Gonna snap, crackle and pop her neck.
15. He’s so controlling, is he her dad? Is he her lover? I am so confused pls Christian
16. This film has no chill.
17. Ana reminds me of someone I wanted to punch at school.
18. Might get Arcos after this.
19. He is just a budget Chuck Bass, he will never reach that standard of man.
20. All the giggling in here is making me feel nauseous. Ladies, calm yourselves.
21. As if he just seductively ate her toast, is this real life?
22. He basically just admitted to being a stalker – am I the only one seeing this?
23. Who is dressing Ana pls.
24. Get in my helicopter and I’ll get in your v.
25. Where’s all the sex at? I’ve had enough of landscape shots of tall buildings.
26. 50 shades of ‘yh kk’
27. ‘I just don’t do relationships’ TYPICAL MEN WITH ALL THE EXCUSES I hate u.
28. Extreme feminists everywhere are crying themselves to sleep.
29. I’m currently watching porn with 100 other people ffs.
30. No foreplay owwwww girl u gonna bleed.
31. Looked like some basic animals carelessly huming. Like some wildebeest or something. Good story of losing your v tho. One for the grandkids
32. Why are you playing the piano in the middle of the night u dick.
33. Bet she’s getting gassed thinkin she da one. U got this all wrong hun.
34. ‘I want you to be my submissive’ romance is, in fact, not dead.
35. It’s simply not okay that he can get away with being the world’s biggest stalker just because he’s good looking. Where is the justice?
36. Why is Beyoncé singing? Bey, leave before you get hurt.
37. Did he just sip wine and then regurgitate it into her mouth?
38. She won’t allow anal fisting? Jeez, have you ever heard of trying something new?
39. Biting your lip ain’t cute hun, he’s lying to u.
40. No but seriously, do I want a kebab from Arcos or nah?
41. I feel nothing positive towards this film.
42. Bet she was one of those awful trolls at school who has a MySpace to bitch about ppl who were more popular than her lol #angst.
43. Dis gyal breathes SO MUCH AND SO HEAVILY. Lung capacity of a 90 year old virgin.
44. Her nipples are so erect all the time, like hun that must hurt, would you like some nipple cream?
45. This guy just sniffed her panties in front of her, what have I paid to watch???
46. Some people in this cinema screen are probably really getting off on this and that thought makes me distinctly uncomfortable.
47. Rita Ora is in this film omg this is officially so much worse than Twilight.
48. Why must he always take her in aeronautical vehicles?
49. The music is far too dramatic for a film about spanking.
50. Have they been discussing anal this whole time? ‘Why do you wanna hurt me?’ ‘Bend over’