On the 4th of December 2019, I sadly lost my Mum to unforeseen complications during surgery which came as a massive shock to our family. It is nearly impossible to describe what it feels like to go through this, but all I can say is that my heart was broken into millions of pieces. I was numb and feeling every bit of emotion all at once. It’s confusing and complicated. It feels like you will never know life without this pain. It is comforting to know that that feeling does pass, but it is undeniable that there aren’t moments most days where my heart pangs with how much I miss having her here. You take that pain with you for your whole life.
It has been 3 years now since that day and it is strange because I often feel like as time passes, I am getting further and further away from my Mum. It has been 3 years since I last saw her, and it can feel like I’m losing her more each day as memories fade. I feel like I’m changing so much as a person and it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t know exactly who I am anymore. I’m a different person to the girl she knew. I was just 19 on my gap year then, and now I’m 22 in my final year of university. It makes me sad every day that she doesn’t get to see these things. To know she won’t be there at my graduation or the day I get my first job.
As time passes, it can sometimes feel as though it becomes less acceptable to grief. In the months after her death, it felt there was a timer as months passed – 3 months… 4 months… then suddenly a year. As time moved further away from the day she died, it felt like it was getting less acceptable to grieve. As if because it was less “fresh”, people wouldn’t care as much anymore. My mum hadn’t “just” died anymore, she died “a while ago”.
Now, I can reassure my younger self that grief doesn’t suddenly stop one day, and it never stops being acceptable to have moments to grieve the ones you love. I reposted a quote on my Instagram story last year which says, “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard but always near, still loved, still missed, and held so dear.” For me, it is comforting as it reminds me that although she might not be here, she still knows me so well, and is there in the moments I miss her most.
It is also sometimes difficult to deal with loss and grieving around Christmas as well. Our parents put their hearts and soul into making Christmas day amazing, but it is the case for most families that our Mum’s go above and beyond to make the day so special. For my family, it can often feel that there’s a space in our hearts and at the dinner table on Christmas day. However, it is an opportunity for our family to come closer together and remind ourselves how important we are to each other. It is always important to remind yourself of this and appreciate how much our parents do for us each year as it is such a special thing.
Merry Christmas everyone, make sure you thank your Mum’s and everyone who plays a part in making this time of year so wonderful!
If you are interested in reading more about my experiences with the loss of my mother, please feel free to read the article I wrote when I was 20 which speaks in more details of dealing with loss and advice on how to help a friend through a similar situation: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/loss-mother-christmas-helping-friend-through-extreme-orla-tanner/