My biggest insecurity for most of my teenage years was always my acne. It’s been this way ever since I was old enough to even understand what an insecurity is. And I’ve truly been through it all in an attempt to get rid of it. I changed my diet and switched out my makeup products. I was fourteen the first time I went to see the dermatologist for my skin and have been back for countless appointments since. I have been prescribed probably every oral medication possible and I have also tried so many different topicals. Nothing was working. My junior year of high school, however, proved to be hopeful. The combination of drugs I was on was starting to work and my skin was finally starting to clear up. I was unbelievably excited, but once I started weaning off of these medications, my acne returned. Again.
So, last June, after many years battling acne, my dermatologist put me on Isotretinoin, also known as Accutane, an intense acne treatment known to permanently clear up moderate to severe skin that isn’t responding to other treatments.
My skin has always been an immense struggle for me. I hated analyzing it in the mirror. I hated how it made me feel. I didn’t feel confident, and I always found myself thinking if only my skin was clear over and over again. If my skin was clear, I would feel confident. If my skin was clear, I would no longer be insecure. If my skin was clear, I would feel beautiful.
So of course, this was my mindset when I started Accutane. This is all I need. Once I’m off Accutane, my skin will be clear, and I won’t be insecure anymore. This is all I need.
But of course, this is not what happened. I was on Accutane for six months, and to put it bluntly, it was hell. It completely dried out my skin, I got severe nose bleeds almost weekly, I experienced extreme joint pain and even suffered some horrible migraines. But it was so worth it. Because once I finished my Accutane treatment, my skin was clear, glowing and beautiful. I was ecstatic, because my biggest insecurity was finally gone. I had done it.
I thought clear skin meant I would feel completely happy with myself. That I would no longer feel insecure. But instead, I just found new things to pick apart. This is when I realized that it is just a constant cycle — “fixing” an insecurity, but then just finding something else to be insecure about.
My struggle with acne taught me an incredible and very important life lesson: confidence isn’t about changing things you might not like about yourself, it’s about embracing them. You won’t gain confidence and self love by changing or “fixing” your so-called imperfections. It has to be a decision you make for yourself. You have to say, f*ck it, I love myself, acne and all. I realized that I had to stop thinking about the “if onlys,” because even if I did fix these things, I would just find something else to dislike. And this realization has been absolutely freeing. My struggle with acne needed to happen in order for me to realize what it truly means to love yourself.
My skin is clear now. I would be lying if I claimed it didn’t make me happy, because it does. I’m happy with my skin now, after years and years of struggle, tears and feeling like acne made me less beautiful. But I also understand now that change is not always what it means to love yourself — I have decided to love myself regardless. Because insecurities have no power when you ignore them and I have my struggle with acne to partially thank for that.
