As a definitive member of Gen-Y and expatriate, I found Elite Daily’s article The Reasons Why European Women Are Superior To American Women deliciously ironic coming from a site that claims to be a “medium for people tired of disingenuous content.” HCND, on the other hand, is a site for women and men who worship at the altar of factual content. So I decided to re-tool Elite Daily’s article in the hopes of making their erroneous article just a bit more factual. I will first present Elite Daily’s header-claims and then provide the necessary substitutions.
Also, “Elite Daily”? Really?
Elite Daily: American women cling to Hollister hoodies and Uggs as native fashions whereas European women don’t leave the house without looking pristine.
In actuality: While American women cling to Hollister hoodies and Uggs as native fashions, French women choose to sashay around Paris in the exotic and imported brand Abercrombie and Fitch.
But only in white, grey, and black garments. Colors are so dreadfully American. All ensemble pieces are, of course, purchased at the Abercrombie flagship store on the Champs-Elysée, which eclipses both the flagship stores of Louis Vuitton and Hugo Boss in both architectural grandeur and queu length.
Uggs are also worn, but always in black. They must go seamlessly with their grey A&F sweatshirts.
Elite Daily: American women have bland accents and barely go through the troubles of learning another language whereas European women have elegant accents, have proper elocution and know multiple languages, including English.
In actuality: French women cannot properly pronounce hard t’s, which Odysseus himself identified as the Siren’s ensnaring song.
French women also abhor American slang and intonation, which explains why Pretty Little Liars is the most-watched show of French women aged 15-25 and why their smartphone voice controls spew that horrendous American accent.
It also explains why, corrected for population size differences, more Americans study in a non-English speaking country than the French do through Erasmus programs. Because, God, Americans.
Elite Daily: American women give their children as much Xanax as they are prescribed to whereas European women would only use medicine as a last resort.
In actuality: France is the most medicated country on the planet.
Hollande is all up on that French system of healthcare.
Elite Daily: American women love drinking beer and let their beer drinking get out of hand, to the point where they actually get fat whereas European women predominately drink wine and champagne, which helps them maintain their bodies.
In reality: The most popular drink among French youth is vodka, which they like to consume in copious caloric amounts. Why? Because getting slizzed does not involve pronouncing hard t’s.
Elite Daily: American women are angered when you ask them to make you a simple sandwich after sex whereas European women are delighted to cook you a whole 3-course meal that you both can enjoy after sex.
In reality: While French women are particularly keen on “un sandwich avec jambon et beurre,” most young French males seek out a good kebab after copulation.
And, unfortunately, these are found only in crowded city streets full of neon lights and greasy fumes.
Elite Daily: American women are content with leaving their homes looking gross and sloppy whereas European women know that the home is something you must cherish, therefore they take honor in keeping their homes tidy and clean.
In reality: The housing market in France is tricky to break into so usually French youth live with their parents or in studio apartments.
When living with one’s parents, the house is usually cleaned one way or another. And all apartments occupied by youths are suspicious. Yes, that is a kebab wrapper you spy sur la terre.
Elite Daily: American women don’t look forward to having children. Many are stay-at-home moms who still hire nannies to raise their kids then don’t know who to blame when their kids grow up rebellious whereas European women take pride in raising their kids and actually look forward to having children.
In reality: Geneviève Fraisse and the whole Académie française would have your “tête” à la Marie-Antoinette just about now.
Go home article, you are drunk on red wine. God, again, so américain. Les français préfèrent du rosé avec leur copains.
Elite Daily: American women are less liberal with their bodies and therefore are deterred from walking around the beach topless whereas European women see no issue with walking around topless.
In reality: No, not really.
I know, Eurotrip all gave us unrealistic expectations of French beaches. Alas, while moving memorial statues are aplenty, “seins” are not.
Elite Daily: American women know how to roll a blunt, pack a bowl and hit the bong, but can’t properly season a chicken whereas European women can roll jays when needed and they can properly season any dish you want.
In reality: The French have a certain distrust of spices, so this statement is severely restricted by the parameters of “savory.” French seasonings are forbidden to venture into the realms of “spicy” or, heavens forbid, “asian-spicy.”
Elite Daily: American women have this chip on their shoulder that for some reason they have to prove that they are equal to men whereas European women understand the role of each of the sexes and are content with doing their part as long as they are not disrespected.
In reality: Oh my God l’Académie Française is going to straight-up draw and quarter you because Madame la Guillotine is far too advanced mechanically for your archaic cultural understanding.
Literally, pick up a newspaper. Any newspaper. Le Monde, L’Observateur, Le Courrier de l’Ouest. Anything.
But, mes chèries, never fret. We’ll always have Paris.