Business bros, PLS kids, science guys, I like to stereotype by major. Anyway, there are a lot of men on this campus and as an equal opportunity friendship maker and a senior who is really egregiously friendly, lemme tell you some tricks of the trade for all those ladies out there bemoaning they “have no guy friends.” Because I know what you mean by guy friends …
So, to facilitate that, let’s get you some friends.
Full disclosure: I am the type of person who actively pursues friends. Are you standing over there, looking interesting, and reading something obscure? Wow, I want to be your friend! Because I’ve matured slightly in college, I probably won’t walk up to you and be all like “Dude, nice book! Let’s be friends.” That’s reserved for only spectacular scenarios, like when I saw some guy at the library on Tuesday wearing a red shirt proclaiming “Keep Calm and Bowl On” with a picture of The Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski– my favorite movie. I got really excited and squeaky and let out a horrible “DUUUUUUDE! Nice shirt!” We high-fived. I see him around the lib sometimes and we smile at each other. It’s pretty chill.
For those other scenarios when I see people who seem generally awesome and don’t have an immediate “in,” I’ll still try to meet them… slowly. Because, honestly, I have a finite time left here to be surrounded by incredible peers who are pre-screened for intelligence, penchants for making a difference, and wholesome Irish Catholic upbringings. Man, I want to know every single person on campus, y’all are so cool. But this article focuses on only meeting one half of our scintillating campus, as most of us, including yours truly, went to all-girls school and thus have making female friends down to a science. A social science.
So as a social scientist, I will present three case studies and their corresponding methodology:
1. Organically
See a cool guy in one of your classes? Total organic move (“TOM”). By this, I don’t mean chatting after class about the readings after you noticed he’d made an intelligent point about. Neither do I mean inquiring a bit of “how’s it going, man” before class. Nope. This is certified organic, so it’s some next level sh*t.
You need to throw down the produce.
Friends break bread, right? False, gluten will kill you. In 2013, friends chew organic fair-trade kale together or maybe split a few craft beers from Vermont with asinine names on Thursdays. Ask this kid out for a brew.
Or, better yet, if he’s hella cute, invite him to compost. Composting is absurdly romantic. Look how you’re prepping to sow seeds in your garden of love. I’m totally messing with you, don’t do this, I don’t care if you enthusiastically wear burlap on the reg. Stop.
But I’m serious about asking to grab a drink, a fair-traded coffee, or start a project to design a home brew. Just pick an activity and run with it. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t believe in recycling and is a objectivist from the b-school. He worships Ayn Rand and failed business ethics? No worries! You do you. Have a harvest-moon worship party. Or just a regular party. Be friendly – invite him, he’ll dig it. Trust me.
2. Instantly:
There’s that great David Bowie quote where he professes: “I’m an instant star, just add water and stir.”
Yeah. I’m not sure how this relates to making an instant connection with a dude because it’s really just a quote about being egotistical.
3. Exceedingly slowly:
Know that guy who is the housemate of that guy in your huge freshman lecture class that you’ve ran into at a tailgate and began staring longingly at across muggy dorm parties and continued to do so today across sticky, pulsating bars? Keep staring. You’re never going to talk to him. Why start now? Think about it – you can have a really romantic memory from college of the “one that got away.” The whole situation screams Casablanca and Casablanca is the best film ever made. Why wouldn’t you want your life to parallel the fictional one of Ingrid Bergman?
Maybe one day you’ll run into him again at a wedding in five years when he thinks his wife is killed in action in the French resistance and you will have the best fling of your life. Before he gets away. Again.
4. Like a God-Damned Normal Person:
You’ll see a cute guy in your class, at an event, sitting around campus, or in a friend’s living environment. Maybe you’ll talk to him, maybe you won’t. Maybe he’ll talk to you, maybe he won’t. Maybe this isn’t such a big deal after all.
Because at the end of the day, you can’t force these things. Whether you’re a determinist or not, people come together and fall apart randomly, like most of my failed experiment in freshman chem lab. So what if you don’t have “guy friends” who you can churn into something more or if you lack the opportunities to find such bros. Unless you believe in Love at First Tinder, social networking and posturing for dudes isn’t plausible or sustainable.
At the end of the day, that’s okay. We’re all going to be alone for parts of our lives. While it’s kind of instinctive to crave companionship, relish in the thrill of the chase, and float along like a happy little bubble in the bliss of a relationship that’s going really well…it’s fine to not engaged in any of these things. It’s totally and absolutely fine. Really.
Remember that time before you started caring about attracting the opposite gender? I remember that I had aquamarine braces. And I felt fabulous.