If you’re reading this, you are one of two kinds of people.
The first: the near-survivors. You are on your 4th of five finals, and you have run out of any energy with which you could care to open a textbook. You are tired, you are hungry, and your final exam looms on the horizon like a storm of Biblical proportions. This tab is open alongside a semester’s worth of finance that you have not bothered to learn. In all honesty, I should probably tell you to stop reading. You have work to do. But I won’t.
The second: the home free. You are either drunk in your room deleting all of your academia-related files off your computer or trying to forget the shame of all the finals you may have failed by binge eating and watching poorly directed comedies on Netflix. Perhaps both.
Regardless of where you stand on your climb to the summit of our semester, you are all at a certain stage in the psychological phenomenon Notre Dame students experience at least twice a year: The Five Stages of Grief.
Denial
Fun fact: This first stage is actually the administration’s motivation for giving us that reading day that none of us actually use for reading. The common symptoms of “denial” include: inability to estimate time, grandiose feelings of lack of responsibility, the compulsion to Lysol your floor or actually take the time to fold your laundry, and substance abuse. Students in the denial stage are often seen out in the light of day, having fun. This stage (theoretically) should last only one day, but some cases have a prolonged denial stage which lasts until the midnight before their first exam.
Recommendation: You’re just going to have to ride this one out. When the panic sets in, you’ll know you’re almost out of the woods.
Anger
Professors can chalk up a lot of their negative CIFs to their poor teaching ability, unclear syllabi, or a Jury-duty strict attendance policy. However, a small percentage may also be due to this particular stage. The common symptoms of the “anger” stage include: irritability, psychotic episodes, outward-focused blame, substance abuse, and once or twice a person may set a textbook on fire. This stage lasts until a victim’s friend takes offense to their unnecessarily bitchy behavior.
Recommendation: Don’t get mad at your roommate for breathing too loud, or your teacher for not being clear. Where were they when you were at Feve instead of doing your homework? That’s right. This is nobody’s fault but your own.
Bargaining
An outside observer can tell that Notre Dame has reached this stage when there are no unlit candles left at the Grotto. This is when your inner monologue turns from a battle cry to a plea bargain. You will ask God for the mercy, strength, and vodka to accept the GPA you cannot change. You will email your TAs to go easy with the red pen after a particularly scattered final essay. You will promise yourself, over and over, “If I pass my finals, I promise I will study every day and never go out on a weeknight ever again.” This is a lie, but you will say it anyway. Since most of this stage is an internal struggle, outwards symptoms are minimal, (aside from substance abuse). However, this may be the most productive you’ll be all week.
Recommendation: Go ahead and say a prayer, I mean it’s not like it’s going to hurt your odds.
Depression
The reality of your situation has finally hit you like an oncoming semi-truck. Near-survivors are probably here right now, or you may have been here recently. This is the point when it feels as if you are lost in a sea of incompetence, and you are grasping at extra credit points like a life raft. If you have bothered to shower today, it was only in order to ugly-cry before returning to your books. You see very little point in getting out of bed, except for the fact that your test is worth 40% of your grade. Symptoms include: bouts of hysterical sobbing, withdrawal, excessive sleeping and/or eating, and substance abuse.
Recommendation: Put on some sweatpants. Admit defeat. In the words of a random twitter user: “If people can’t handle you at your finals week, they don’t deserve you at your syllabus week.”
Acceptance
The light has appeared at the end of tunnel. Do not go towards it. Instead, embrace the complacency you have reached about your entire situation. You just forgot 80% of the material you studied, mid-final. Who cares? Your GPA is sinking like a ship, and you’re its captain. You have accepted your fate. And you know what? It’s all going to be okay. C’s get degrees. From what I hear, they can also get jobs. So just hold on, you’re going home. (Can’t forget: substance abuse is also a sign you’ve reached acceptance.)
Recommendation: Just keep your eyes on the prize. What is the prize you ask? A sense of accomplishment? The pride of a job well done? Wrong, it’s 3 hours in O’Hare waiting for a delayed flight. You’re welcome.
To all Domers everywhere, enjoy your three weeks of Winter Break recovery. Be sure not to tell your parents when grades come out, if you tell them at all. Happy Holidays, and go Irish!
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