In my last article, I discussed how competition in the classroom can impede success. Naturally, for competition among individuals to exist, there must also exist an underlying notion of comparison. We’ve all heard the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy,” not to mention the countless inspirational Pinterest quotes seeking to discourage comparing oneself to others with sayings like “you are your only competition.” Given the relationship between competition and comparison, the only person you should be comparing yourself to is you…
… But what happens when you have a misconstrued perception of your past self?
Countless times over the past year, I found myself in the same situation: midnight, just starting a paper due the next morning, hating myself for being so stupid and not starting it earlier. Again. I’d constantly find myself comparing my current self to my high school self—organized, on top of things, great time-management skills—until I was irrationally angry at and disappointed in myself. But the thing is, that person I kept comparing myself to wasn’t actually me.
I had been looking at the sum total of my high school self, the girl that ended up at Notre Dame, instead of looking at the individual events that had lead me there. High school Nicole was far from the girl I had been comparing myself to. First off, high school Nicole had no time management skills whatsoever, despite what her college applications might have said. I am, always was, and always will be the queen of procrastination. Freshman year I binge-watched five episodes of Criminal Minds before deciding 11 PM would probably be the best time to start studying for my bio exam the next morning. (11 PM was late for a freshman, okay).
And that was only the beginning. This trend lasted throughout senior year when I pulled an all-nighter to study for an AP Bio exam (because I decided it was a good idea to practice drawing flowers with shading during lecture), took an hour long nap after school, and then played our first lacrosse game of the season. AND repeated the same schedule exactly one week later.
I “officially” realized I had a procrastination problem senior year when I spent my Halloween night writing the ten journal entries due the next day that had accumulated over the past several weeks. Here is an excerpt from my last entry of the night, titled “Procrastination Station.”
Hello. My name is Nicole Zolman, and I am a procrastinator. “HIIIIIIIIII NICOOOLLLE.” It is currently 1:30 AM on November 1, 2013, and I am working on my tenth journal of the night. Surprisingly, I was expecting to be starting this final journal at around 3:07 AM, so I am ahead of schedule. Maybe I should go walk around the house in the dark for a bit?
Yes, I turned that in. Clearly, high school Nicole was not as on top of things as college Nicole had thought. I spent the past year of college comparing myself to a past me that didn’t actually exist. By focusing on my accomplishments in high school without incorporating my multitudes of failures, I ended up with a biased basis of comparison. I was constantly disappointing myself.
I’m aware that comparing yourself to your past self doesn’t always end in disillusion. In fact, most times it does quite the opposite by motivating you to work harder. When I remember the ghosts of all-nighters past and how I managed to get through the following day, especially without being able to drink copious amounts of coffee whenever I pleased, it reminds me that I am mentally and physically capable of sacrificing that extra hour of sleep.
What I’m saying is, be careful not to deceive yourself when comparing who you are today with who you were yesterday. Take into account both your past achievements and downfalls. Whether it comes to your academics, fitness, or other goals, the journey is a two-step process. First, it is important to remember what your past self was capable of. But second, it is also important that you don’t lose sight of how difficult it was to achieve those successes.
Your past self had struggles. So does your present self. No doubt your future self will. Do what you can now, and stop bullying yourself with thoughts like “I used to be better than this.” Instead think, “I, right now, am so determined and so capable of doing better.” Turn the negativity into positivity and with time you’ll develop a clearer image of who you once were. More often than not, you’ll find that your faults were always present, yet despite them you’ve somehow gotten this far. And it won’t be easy, but I can guarantee you that you’ll get even further, if only you stop dwelling on the past.
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