We live in a world where the women’s rights battle is forever being waged, and though some ground has been gained in recent years, the end always seems to be just out of reach. Nowhere has this been made clearer to me than in Latvia and Lithuania, where I have had the privilege to live for the past two months. Don’t get me wrong: the Baltic States are not a haven for misogynists. In fact, every man I have met here has been the soul of courtesy and kindness. And yet, I feel this constant pressure to conform to a standard of “femininity” and “beauty” that makes me self-conscious when I’m just being myself. Reflecting on where this pressure originates, I’ve come to the realization that sometimes that strongest negative influence on women’s self-image comes from…other women.
After my first shocking encounter with what I like to call “anti-feminism”, I began to compile a list of “myths” that I have been told by women, about women. And as unsettling as it was to hear these sentiments said out loud, I soon realized that I have been hearing them all my life, just through different means. And maybe, just maybe, the reason that no one is willing to confront these myths is because no one is willing to admit that they still exist.
NOTE: [These are rough translations from Russian of actual quotes]
1. Myth: “Young ladies should always dress nicely.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid Of It: The importance of appearance is screamed at us from the hilltops—magazines, television, and movies constantly, and less-than-subtly, stress the latest styles in fashion so that we can “keep up with the times”(thankfully we’ve gotten over the “women can’t wear pants” trend of the 18th century). Being bombarded with this message from the media is one thing, but the real kicker is when the people closest to you reinforce it.
While there is nothing wrong with dressing nicely, there is something wrong with a society that judges you when you don’t. How you dress is your decision, and in the words of Taylor Swift “haters gonna hate.” I for one will continue wearing sweat pants in public no matter people think (here’s looking at you lady on the bus).
2. Myth: “You’re prettier with makeup (Read: Don’t leave the house without makeup).”
Why We Can’t Get Rid Of It: Let me first just say that this one, though a blow to my pride, was meant well. But that’s how it always, is isn’t it? People mean well when they ask, “Oh, are you tired?” and “Are you feeling ok?” on the day you don’t wear makeup (if you normally do). And they have nothing but good intentions when they say “Maybe a little less eyeliner next time” or “You look like a KISS guitarist”. However, good intentions do not make the comments any less painful.
Wearing makeup should not be about hiding “imperfections” or trying to impress people. You do not need to change your face in order to make it more aesthetically pleasing for others to look at. News Flash: You’re already beautiful, and how you decide to do (or not do) your makeup should be about how it makes you feel. You’re only an artist adding to a masterpiece.
3. Myth: ”Women should always be coquette, calm and proper.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid Of It: From the time we’re little girls, the phrase “lady-like” is repeated like a mantra. We need to walk a certain way, talk a certain way, sit a certain way and play a certain way so as to set ourselves apart from our male counterparts. I’m sorry, this is not the Middle Ages—and if it is, please refer to the above GIF of Catelyn Stark to see how a real lady acts.
While there is something to be said for calmness and courtesies, when you’re around your friends and family you should not have to be anyone but yourself. And if you feel pressure to act more “lady-like”* in order to impress a potential significant other, they are probably not the one for you. *sooner or later only eating salad on dining hall dates is going to get old
4. Myth: “Women need to know how to cook, clean and take care of men.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: This one is partially right—women should know how to cook and clean. EVERYONE should know how to cook and clean because those are very important life skills in a civilized society. But to imply that this is only women’s work is not only insulting to women, but also to men. This statement implies both that women are somehow subservient to men AND that men are incapable of taking care of themselves. I’m not really sure how this myth continues to live on when Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and other powerful women are smashing the patriarchy as we speak, but all I can say is: please don’t take it to heart.
5. Myth: “We’re women—we don’t discuss politics.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: Honestly, this one was a mystery to me, especially considering that the President of Lithuania (the country where I was told this) is a woman*. Considering that my major is Political Science and that America may soon be following in Lithuania’s progressive presidential footsteps, I sincerely hope that women in the States do not feel restricted from speaking about (and actively participating in!) politics. Susan B. Anthony and company didn’t do all that work 100 years ago for nothing!
*When speaking about the president of Lithuania, however, I was told that she had “manly” characteristics, because she is strong and walks in an “unlady-like” manner.
6. Myth: “Women shouldn’t be in the military—it’s a man’s world.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: What do women hear when they tell people that they want to join the military? From some, you get a lot of questions, including, but not limited to: “How will you raise a family?” and “Aren’t you afraid of being sexually assaulted? You know, surrounded by men*…” (Which by the way is very insulting to the fine men of our armed services). From others, you get huge congratulations: “That’s so courageous, especially for a woman.” *The United States Military is about 85% men.
News Flash: Women are just as capable of becoming fantastic soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines as men are. The only difference is that we also have to know how to do a killer bun.
7. Myth: “Women don’t need to think.”
*If you combine Lady Tyrell’s eyebrows plus a gaping look of utter astonishment, you will be able to picture my face. This one was another curveball. I had to repeat this back to make sure that I had understood correctly (my Russian is far from fluent).
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: This one seemed so out of the blue, until I realized that I had heard it before, in my own head. And all the girls who don’t raise their hands in class because they don’t want to be made fun of, don’t speak their mind because they don’t want to be called “bossy”, and don’t tell people about their dreams because they’ve heard “can’t” too many times already—they hear it, too. Pop culture, please stop it with this cliché portrait of women as weak, dumb, and emotional. Serena, Ellen, T-Swift…you keep doing you.
8. Myth: “In order to attract a man, you should pretend to be weak. And if you are a strong woman, you will only attract weak men.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: All those innocent childhood years of Disney and fairytales have subconsciously built up an impossible standard for women—we have to act the damsel in distress that the knight in shining armor comes to save. And while Disney has since changed its tune (Hellllllllo, Tiana, Merida and Elsa!) the pressure to act the part of the “delicate little flower” has not yet relented.
Well I, for one, am no little princess, nor do I need a man with a hero complex to come “sweep me off my feet.” Unless he’s Batman, in which case, sweep away…
9. Myth: “The goal of a woman’s life is to find a man.”
Why We Can’t Get Rid of It: Isn’t it the worst when society offers you the world, but then comes calling a few years later only to expect you to give it all back? “Oh, you worked so hard in school and have built a successful career? That’s nice, sweetie, but don’t you think it’s time you settled down and raised a family? You’re not getting any younger.”
Falling in love, settling down and starting a family are beautiful life goals to have. But so are career aspirations and ambitions. And as I always like to say when I feel forced to choose between two good things: “¿Porque no los dos?”
10. Myth: “A woman without children is not a real woman.”
Why We Can’t Seem to Get Rid of It: I honestly have absolutely no response to this. It left me feeling quite as pained and defeated as Selyse Baratheon in this photo. [GOT fans, I’m sorry if this is too soon, but it was just so ironically fitting to the theme.]
Though these quotes were shocking to hear from women themselves, I think it’s worse when they remain unspoken—that way no one notices the glass ceiling until you’ve already walked straight into it.
The HCND application is now open! For more information contact Rebecca Rogalski at rebeccarogalski@hercampus.com or Katrina Linden at katrinalinden@hercampus.com
Follow HCND on Twitter, like us on Facebook, Pin with us, and show our Instagram some love!