While some equate summer with the beach, flip flops and warm weather, others can only appreciate one thing: the return of The Bachelorette! We have passed the temporary Dark Ages, and it is finally time for Chris Harrison to unnecessarily pop up on our screens and start counting roses. Jojo Fletcher will make her debut on Monday, May 23 as the latest woman chosen by ABC to fall in love and get engaged after about two months of dating.
The network has already released pictures and profiles of her 26 suitors and they are bound to cause some drama. Based on the first impressions from their interviews, only about two of these men understand that listing attributes requires the use of a noun. But, hopefully these guys prove to be as funny as their profiles. Here are some predictions for this upcoming season:
The Running Joke – Brandon
For the past couple of seasons, the makers of the show have thought it would be funny to give a contestant an unusual occupation and keep that label for the entire season. This season is no different. Brandon, whose occupation is listed as hipster, seems to be a hopeless, over-the-top dreamer. He claims to want “The Notebook-type of experience” when describing why he is a romantic. Clearly this man has a skewed view of love if he thinks having your parents hate your significant other and keep you apart for years is a great love story. Expect a rollercoaster of emotions from Brandon until maybe Week 4.
The Overconfident Bragger – Chad
From afar, Chad seems perfectly fine. But don’t fall for it. Dig deeper, and it will not be hard to reveal the arrogance. To three different questions he responded with, “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.” One of these questions: who do you admire most? Chad will be the guy who bores Jojo with a list of his accomplishments and then will wonder why she is not interested in him. He admits his greatest achievement to date has been “being born good looking.” He will be lucky if he makes it to Week 3.
The Night One Reject – Coley
Poor Coley. He appears to be a perfectly normal, good guy, which is why he will not survive on this show. The Bachelorette loves dramatic contestants and Coley is probably not one of them. First issue, he is a real estate consultant. That wouldn’t be so bad if his reply to his favorite holiday was not, “4th of July…because ‘Merica.” He credits the Harry Potter series as the reason he is into reading, and also says they are his favorite books. Sorry Coley, but reality television is not the place for you.
Mr. Confused – Derek
Out of all the contestants, Derek might have given the worst answers during his interview. Others chose to list personality traits as one of their best attributes, but Derek said his eyes give him a lot of “front-end” attention. He did not further explain what that means. More ridiculous answers included his reference to Ben Franklin and calling him someone who views the world with “child-like wonder.” He also said he could survive on a desert island as long as there were not any cucumbers, and if he had duct tape. Derek will probably stay a little into the season…but just for humorous purposes.
The Bad Boy – Daniel
There’s always one contestant that all of “Bachelor Nation” dislikes. Viewers will shout at their television screens begging for the villain not to get a rose, but they always do until about Week 7. This year, the person America will love to hate will probably be Daniel. Apparently he doesn’t have any “faves” of movies or anything else, so he will just say what he likes at the moment. His biggest date fear is the girl embarrassing him, or being catfished. He also claims he is not romantic but has “good manners.” To make himself look even better, he compared his body to a Lamborghini. Run away from the bad boy, Jojo!
The Running Joke 2.0 – Evan
Just in case Brandon doesn’t stick around, the creators of this show must have decided to have a backup. Thus, we have Evan. As an Erectile Dysfunction Expert, Evan is bound to get plenty of screen time night one. But don’t let Evan’s occupation determine your view of him. Get to know him a little better and you will discover he wishes to be Donald Trump for a day. His favorite type of dancing is “booty” and some of his deal breakers are women who have chipped nails or serious food allergies. Evan should be gone by Week 3 or 4.
Mr. There for The Wrong Reasons – James Taylor
Beware of musicians who go on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette! James Taylor (great name) is a singer-songwriter. These kinds of contestants have a history of only going on this show to achieve fame. Jame’s answers to the introduction questions were not too bad compared to his fellow bachelors, so maybe he will be an exception. But we will have to wait and see. If there is any sight of a guitar within the first two episodes (which he plays in his introduction to JoJo), it will be clear he is not there for Jojo.
America’s Favorite – Jordan
Jordan is miles ahead of the other men. He is a former professional athlete, he is tall, but most importantly he answered the three attributes question properly by including nouns. Perfection! Jordan is the younger brother to Green Bay Packer’s Quarterback Aaron Rodgers, so it is expected that Jordan will be around for a long time due to this publicity. His answers were funny and thoughtful and he managed to respond to an inquiry about his escapades in the bedroom with a story about hanging a television. Good luck, Jordan!
Mr. Comic Relief – Sal
On Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette, Tanner was the contestant who barely went on any dates but received a lot of screen time due to his hilarious commentary throughout the episode. My prediction is that Sal will step in to fill Tanner’s role. When asked what he could not tolerate on a desert island, Sal said, “No Kardashians.” That single response indicates that Sal has a great sense of humor and will have no filter. Hopefully he can keep America laughing until at least Week 5.
The One to Watch – Wells
Wells has a slight resemblance to Seth Cohen from The O.C., so he is definitely a favorite. He has an interesting occupation (to match his name) as a radio DJ. He gets even better. His perfect date includes tacos, walking around the city and then playing Otis Redding. He only has one fault: he doesn’t like pizza. It’s a big issue to ignore, but Wells seems like a good guy overall. He will either be in the top four or the new Bachelor. Stay tuned!
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