Sometimes it seems like every other teenager is hooking up with someone. I often feel like it’s expected of me. If I talk to a guy at a party, the next day everyone asks, “Oh my god, so are you guys … you know … ?” An icebreaker activity with a new group of friends was to share our biggest hookup “L” on campus.
The media representation of hookups is even more dramatic — television shows like Euphoria and Sex Lives of College Girls show teens constantly having sex and going out. Classic romantic comedies like Mean Girls and Pitch Perfect do the same; it seems so casual for all the characters.
I don’t want to hook up, and I find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me — if I’m missing the fun, carefree bone that doesn’t assign value to sexual experiences. However, I’ve recently questioned if the relaxed attitude I see around me is all a facade. Behind the wild nights out are often sobbing girls in bathrooms and emotional miscommunications. While I think it’s true that some people thrive with many partners, I also believe hookup culture is more harmful than it appears.
Hookup culture hasn’t existed forever. According to the American Psychological Association, in recent decades the age of puberty has dropped while the average marriage age has increased. This developmental and cultural shift has likely been a large factor in the increased prevalence of hookup culture. Young adults are looking to experiment without commitment. I see value in this shift; through experiences with others, we learn a lot about how we handle a range of emotions. We shouldn’t have to give our lives to someone else through a committed relationship to discover this. Briefly encountering people through hookups can be a rapid-fire way to feel passion and pain, and to learn to cope with those feelings.
I think the issue with hookup culture lies in the assumption that you can have these experiences without an emotional response. Many expect to be able to detach themselves from a hookup. It then becomes difficult to reckon with the feelings that often follow. Yes, some feel that most experiences are a net positive. However, a study of 200 undergraduate students cited in the National Library of Medicine found that 78 percent of women and 72 percent of men who had uncommitted sex experienced feelings of regret. I don’t believe young adults must avoid these negative feelings altogether by abstaining. I do believe it’s important to accept regret as a very likely consequence of a hookup.
If so few people seem to benefit from hookup culture, why is it so widely believed that it’s desirable? Truthfully, I am still wondering about this. When I am hanging out with large groups of women, we spend nearly the whole time talking about past — or potential — hookups. Curious girls beg to hear about everyone’s most exciting rendezvous. But when I’m alone with those same girls, they’ll talk more seriously about the situations they’ve been in. Some have felt unsafe or violated in hookups; some thought a guy had true feelings and were crushed when it was only physical; others only did it to feel loved and wanted. By only discussing the exciting parts of hookups in large groups, we perpetuate the idea that they should always be light and pleasurable. We alienate those who have negative experiences when in reality, that’s the overwhelming majority of us. Hookup culture can have a place in society if it’s healthier and more open. It’s good for young adults to experiment with their sexuality; it often allows them to learn about their approach to relationships while also being independent. This experimentation can become a more constructive aspect of self-discovery. First, we must eliminate the shame around negative experiences and learn to cope with the wide range of emotions a hookup presents.