Bro Blog: The Turkey Dump

For all you freshmen who still have boyfriends or girlfriends from high school, Thanksgiving break is your first opportunity to decide your relationship’s fate. Hopefully by now you’ve talked about what you want from a long distance relationship, because if you haven’t, you’re making a mistake. Unless you both managed to end up at Northwestern, you need to talk about how college will affect things. Even if you are both at Northwestern, it’s still smart to communicate. College doesn’t make relationships easy. The people that have successful boyfriends and girlfriends are not the norm. They are the exception and as much as that may be difficult to hear, it’s true. I applaud anyone who has continued a relationship for longer than six months in college, because that is a true accomplishment. That is a relationship that means a great deal. Lots of blood, sweat, and tears go into those and distance makes the work that much harder.

Thanksgiving break is a great time to rethink your priorities and make a decision. It’s now that you should decide: relationship or not? It’s difficult. Believe me. I went through this exact situation my freshman year and have never admitted it to be easy. But think about it this way: if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen again. A breakup can sometimes be the healthiest option, even if it’s painful. It gives you a chance to “experiment” in college and decide what you really want. Give being single a shot between Thanksgiving and Christmas and if you really hate it, get back together. Otherwise, begin your college career without commitment. It gives you more time to focus on getting good grades and having a fun social life. A hook-up or two is never bad, so try those out also. If you get back together with your high school sweetheart at some point, you know you have something special.

And for those of you who are already single, take a chance on that girl from back home. Thanksgiving break is the perfect no-strings-attached opportunity. You have a week to hook-up, so enjoy it. When that’s over, you go back to school and have nothing to worry about. And who knows? You may solidify a Christmas break hook-up for the near future. Now wouldn’t that be nice?

J.P.

Happy Thanksgiving Ladies,
With apologies to Santa Claus, Hanukkah Harry, Native Americans, and whoever the hell came up with Kwanzaa, I’m going to boldly declare that Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday.  Once upon a time it was Christmas but then Justin Bieber ruined the birth of Christ by coming out with his heinous holiday album.  Yes, Jesus died on a cross only to have his enormous sacrifice spoiled by a Canadian in skinny jeans.  But rest assured ladies, Thanksgiving is a truly AMERICAN holiday and is here to stay, at least until Rebecca Black releases her new hit single “Thursday.”
Really though Thanksgiving is the best.  There’s nothing better than a holiday where you can eat as much as you want without an inkling of guilt and follow that up by pounding white wine with grandma until she starts talking about the pre-grandpa days.  Inevitably, somewhere in that conversation granny will ask about that old high-school heartthrob that lives two houses away.  As you nibble on the last of that pecan pie, you’ll remember when you were sitting there by the water and he put his arm around you for the first time and wonder why life never works out like it does for Taylor Swift.  Everyone will tell you to move on and that he isn’t worth going back for but the bro blog is here to offer a second opinion.   You should pursue the old high-school quarterback, even if he’s just a state school frat boy because at the end of the day, like taking over land that doesn’t belong to you, it’s American.
We think of Thanksgiving as being the quintessence of American culture.  It combines football, family, freedom, apple pie and everything else our founding fathers fought to protect.  Except it leaves out one thing- sex.  Americans love sex and quite frankly, I’m going to boldly declare that Americans are best at it.  I lose sleep at night thinking of all the American girls that go off to Europe thinking that socialists are better lovers only to return fully unsatisfied, if they haven’t been kidnapped in Paris by creepy Albanian traffickers.  They return dumbfounded that the captain of the high school baseball team was far more of a man than some hipster in a scarf protesting the fact that he has to work 30 hours a week.  So in the name of patriotism, go back home and have a fling with your Indiana small-town sweetheart.  Like those poor starving pilgrims in Plymouth, you truly have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I hope that as Thanksgiving approaches you can all take a moment to truly appreciate everything in life you have to be thankful for.  Once you’ve had your hook-up in the back of the homecoming king’s pick-up truck, spend some time with your family.  Apologize to your mom for yelling at her on the phone and demanding more money to replace what you spent on Andre.  Tell your little sister that she wasn’t a tequila induced mistake and that you’re proud of how well she is doing in figure skating or field hockey.  For in the end there is nothing hotter and more American than a lady that above all else, will always be daddy’s little girl.  
Like warm apple pie,
    Mike