It is a widely accepted notion that the United States has some of the most expensive higher education institutions in the world. Like, make you want to sell all vital organs to the black market and risk infection, expensive. Like, make you want to run away to avoid life’s responsibilities by living in a tree, becoming morbidly obese, and start balding, expensive. Like, make you want to instinctively transform into a potato and roll off into the sunset, expensive. Right?!?
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Our own Northeastern University is not exempt from this fact, with a full four years costing approximately $250,000, including on campus housing, meal plans, and other miscellaneous fees. Now for the sake of kicks and giggles, let us ponder what our dear president, Joseph Aoun, might buy with our tuition.
He could be indulgent and spend all $250,000 on one single, exorbitant item. Like a Terrafugia flying car, which costs approximately $230,000. Now imagine the sheer versatility this offers president Aoun. Should he ever find himself speeding through Boston with the cops on his tail, he can simply lower his wings, take off, and–*dramatic pause*–maniacally giggle his way into the sky.
Alternatively, he could spend the money on buying a private island–because why the hell not? Frigate Caye, worth approximately $225,000 is a small 1.41 acre island off the coast of Belize. Situated near a fringing reef, the island would be perfect for snorkelling, kayaking, fishing, kite sailing, and the general self-satisfied, piña-colada-sippin’ shenanigans that result from owning a private island. This would be the perfect place for Aoun to escape the sub-zero, cold-as-a-witch’s-teat temperatures that have been ravaging Boston recently. So how about he just uses your tuition for the island, and then he can use mine for the flying car which will enable him to jet off to said island? Yeah? Sound good? Splendid.
And should Aoun wish to go elsewhere, somewhere out of this world that would take his breath away– like suborbital space– he can literally do that. It costs about $250,000 per seat to fly into space on the SpaceShipTwo Virgin Galactic aircraft.
He could also spend your tuition on multiple different items. Like 126,285 bottles of Heinz Ketchup, to be exact. Not quite sure what a charming, respectable man would do with so much sweetened, pureed tomato flesh… *Cue to slow mo scene of Aoun playfully splashing around in ketchup*.
He might simply buy 23 camels. However, he would first need to fill out a lot of paperwork and get a license for owning camels (I guess you need a permit for all types of transportation). Strutting through the desert with his herd of camels, the hides of which seamlessly match the sandy dunes in the backdrop, would offer the perfect amount of ~camouflage~ (you know I had to do it to you).
He could also gratify his penchant for one of the world’s most expensive foods.
Rocks? Dried up elephant fecal matter? Satan’s unborn spawn? Nah. Just truffles.
175 pounds of truffles to be exact. What could Aoun do with truffles, you ask? Stop yourself right there. It would be more appropriate to ask yourself what Aoun couldn’t do with truffles. He could make truffle mushroom risotto. Or grilled hanger steak with truffle vinaigrette. Or Mac and cheese with bread crumbs and truffle shavings. *Resist the urge to drool all over your keyboard*. So basically he would be raking in culinary mouthgasms for the rest of his life.
Or, lastly, he could simply purchase an array of different things of varying prices. He could buy a $65,000 chimpanzee, a $22,000 hot air balloon fit for two people, one $75,000 DJ Khaled appearance, a $13,295 18K gold Rolex watch encrusted with diamonds, one $11,179 three liter bottle of Dom Pérignon Rosé, a $5,976 Jura Giga 5 espresso machine, a $45,276 pair of Bentley platinum sunglasses, a $516 handcrafted, cherry finished, maple hardwood chair engraved with the Northeastern school seal from the bookstore (and yes, there is actually something this useless and stupidly extortionate in the Northeastern bookstore), and, lastly, a $15,000 life-size gingerbread house.
In conclusion, if I had $250,000 lying around I would probably take the “buy many different cool things” approach. Or just, you know, use it to finance a degree at Northeastern.