While I’ve never experienced a breakup in a romantic relationship, I have plenty of experience dealing with friendship breakups, and I imagine they are equally, if not more, painful. Whether the friendship ended in a big blowout fight or simply deteriorated over time, it’s never easy to part ways with someone close to you. I typically avoid confrontation at all costs, so cutting ties with friends has always felt nearly impossible, especially in a college setting, where you’re around each other constantly. However, as I’ve gotten older, I would like to think that I’ve grown better at identifying when it’s necessary to end a friendship. I have come to value my time and compassion, recognizing that not everyone is deserving of the effort and love I invest in all my relationships. While I do not claim that friendship breakups have become any easier for me over time, I do hope to offer some advice I’ve picked up along the way.
First and foremost, it’s important to constantly evaluate and consider the role of each of the friendships in your life. Friendships are by no means transactional, but a friend should always offer support and kindness. For a long time, there were people in my life who put me down, but I shrugged it off and made excuses for them. When they said or did something that hurt me, I would overlook it, instead focusing on all of the good memories and reasons I called them friends. However, I found that the list grew shorter each time, and I was only holding onto these relationships because of some misguided sense of loyalty. It is essential to ensure that each and every relationship in your life is fulfilling.
As a perennial people pleaser, it is easy to accept people’s mistakes and never hold them accountable. I am terrified of confrontation because it means facing buried emotions and being vulnerable with someone who has the potential to hurt me. I’ve had friendships end without explanation or conversation, and it’s incredibly frustrating, so I’ve made it a priority to be open and honest about my feelings. It may sound difficult, but at the same time, it’s necessary. Ignoring an issue and the emotional turmoil that comes with it has never worked for me. Instead, I’ve found that creating a physical, or even mental, checklist of everything I want to say can be helpful. It’s easy to lose your nerve when you’re face-to-face with someone, but having a clear understanding of the points you want to touch on can make it a bit easier.
I have also learned the importance of listening to your gut and following your intuition in these situations. Those around you will inevitably have their own standards and expectations for friendships, but they aren’t inside your mind; only you know what’s best for you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “Is it really worth all the trouble?” These conversations often send me into a spiral of guilt and self-doubt. The constant urge to appease others and affirm their opinions can be exhausting, but it becomes significantly worse when you begin to trust their judgment over your own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not suggesting that anyone endure this process alone. My first friendship breakup was devastating, and I relied heavily on those around me to get through it. Still, I wish I had trusted myself more, when I first sensed that it was no longer a healthy and supportive relationship.
My final piece of advice is to surround yourself with some levity. I have a tendency, as do most people pleasers, to overthink anything and everything. There are a million ways to dissect a single text thread, and trust me when I say I’ve spent hours analyzing a ten-word message. I cannot overstate the importance of finding activities that fill your time and bring you a sense of comfort and relaxation. I could only keep my mind from wandering back to the mess unfolding in front of me when I was with friends or watching my favorite show. It may sound minor, but it makes a world of difference.