On the 6:40 a.m. Northeast Regional Amtrak from Boston’s Back Bay to Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station, I prepared to listen to Phoebe Bridgers’ new album, “Lost Weekend,” a treat I had saved for this moment. Something about the sunrise stretching over Connecticut’s coast made the songs feel deeper. As Bridgers’ voice in “Never Going Back!” graced my AirPods, it felt like I was listening to the theme song of my August. Though the lyrics are simply “Never going back again / The way it used to be is not the way that it is,” repeated for a minute and 43 seconds, the song still hit me deep in the chest.
This August felt bittersweet, as I approached my last year of college and my 22nd birthday. That month, I realized how rapidly everything in my life was changing, and I feared nothing would be the same ever again. I was on the train home to say goodbye to my little brother before he embarked on his first year of college at The Ohio State University. I had just learned my dad was retiring from the job he had held for 25 years. It was finally sinking in that I was graduating. I would no longer be a college student in Boston, and things were never going to go back to the way they were.
There are so many things about college that terrify me because I know they will never go back to the way they are now. I’m scared my roommates, Maria and Ashley, and I will never again huddle around a TV in an apartment we call ours, giggling at the newest teen romance show sweeping social media. Or that we will never do our makeup together at our kitchen table before a night out, “Love Island” style, fighting over who gets to queue the next song on the speaker. I’ll never wake up to one of them surprising me with my Dunkin’ order early on a weekend morning. I’ll never get to make chocolate chip cookies for them late on a weeknight, just because.
I will never get to text my friend and neighbor Zara at a moment’s notice to walk together for ice cream at 8 p.m. or invite her to join me for some shopping on Newbury Street. I will never walk into a Her Campus meeting on a Monday night and see my friends Christine and Tanvi, quickly debriefing our weekends before the meeting starts. I will never go out to dinner with my friend Meera in a city we both call home, laughing over something stupid until our stomachs ache.
I’m scared I’ll never again walk past the iconic tree on campus near Forsyth Street that turns the most vivid shades of orange and red in mid-October. I’ll never grab my favorite Wollaston’s sandwich between classes as a midday pick-me-up. I’ll never walk along the Esplanade, listening to Taylor Swift while staring reflectively at the Charles River when I need space to think things through. I’m even scared I’ll never ride the Silver Line 5 downtown when it is packed wall-to-wall with people and running 15 minutes late when I have somewhere important to be.
Even though I’m a Sagittarius, and we are supposed to be free spirits who embrace novelty with open arms, I secretly hate change. I get very attached to the way things are, and I love a routine. The thought of no longer living in this city with my favorite people makes me sick to my stomach. It might only be November, but I’ve cried multiple times over the song “Never Grow Up” by Taylor Swift, just thinking about time passing. My life will probably never go back to the way it is right now. That’s a terrifying thought, but change isn’t always negative. There are so many things I hope never happen again in my life, just as there are so many things I’m grateful happened because I grew from them, and they changed things for the better.
In college, at least, I don’t think there are many things, if any, that I would go back and change. Even the times I was heartbroken, failed an exam I definitely hadn’t studied enough for or made an absolute fool of myself falling down the Ruggles train station stairs in the rain freshman year, I wouldn’t go back and erase them. I’ve learned from every misstep and mistake I’ve made in college. I wouldn’t change anything about my experience because, if I did, I might not have what I am so fortunate to have now. I might not have my roommates, my best friends or my favorite club in the world, Her Campus, and all the amazing girls who make it what it is.
So, a message to all of the nervous, anxious, terrified-of-change college girls out there who love routines and plans: Cherish it all. Take in the good, the bad and the incredibly embarrassing because, one day, they will all be stories you’ll feel so lucky to have. Also, do things that terrify you, make your pulse race, leave your stomach churning. The things that keep you awake at night and send your thoughts racing at 90 mph. Those things, if you actually go out and try them, can make the biggest difference in your life.
The next six months of my life are a huge mystery. I have no clue what will unfold and what my next journey will look like, which I hate, but I am trying to get more comfortable with it every day. Things may never go back to the way they were, but that doesn’t mean what’s coming next won’t be just as amazing as what once was.