How to Freeze Time

This article is meant to save the:

·      Students

·      Sleep deprived

·      Spirit of Childhood

·      Livers

·      Permanently Late

·      Coffee Deprived


If you identify with any of these categories, raise one hand and continue reading.

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If you do not, dog bless you and your ability to live a life with enough time.

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Now that everyone who needs to freeze time has arrived, let’s get down to business Mulan-style: pure determination. The only way to freeze time is to freeze everything, you see. We must turn our homes into ice castles surrounded by moats of ice-covered roads.


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In order to do this, we must:

1. Put an ice cube on the window ledge. This will supplement the lack of cold outside. Obviously, we can’t incite a blizzard in above freezing temperatures. This world has come to know many different kinds of ice cubes. The water kind is preferred in fun shapes for a stronger storm. Normal shaped cubes will work, but only if you do not want this to work. Ice Cube cutouts can also be placed on the window for a similar-full blizzard blast, because it will be fun. See the diagram below for further explanation

Caution: The ice cube will melt, so put a bowl under it.

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NOTE: There is also the option to flush ice cubes down the toilet, but that may wreck some older toilets. Each ice cube flushed totals to one inch of snow, so please flush no more than 12 ice cubes. Flushing more than 12 cubes will permanently freeze time.


2. Wear your pajamas inside out. This includes all bras, underwear, and socks. Do not forget the socks. If even one article of clothing is the correct way, then the entire operation will fail. For those who sleep in the nude, turn your bedding inside out for a similar effect. It may be beneficial to ask a partner to ensure all clothing has been turned inside out.

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3. Place a spoon under the pillow. Sporks, forks, knives, ladles, spatulas, and small bowls are not appropriate replacements. Preferably a silver spoon, but for those of us who were born without any, Rebecca’s stolen clear plastic spoons will do. The reusable spoons available around campus are even better because they will absorb some of the toxins that are accelerating global warming.

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4. Perform a snow dance. For inspiration, follow the coaching of Betty White in The Proposal (a Sandra Bullock movie). Each minute of dancing will create one inch of snow. Essentially, the longer the song, the longer time will stay frozen. Make sure to include movements of blizzard conditions and polar vortex coldness.

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5. Yell “SNOWDAY” into your freezer. You see, the build up of ice in the freezer can communicate with the potential snow in the sky. The only problem is that the freezer ice is hard of hearing, so it is essential to scream as loudly as possible “SNOWDAY” (caps lock included in scream) into the freezer. Everyone sharing the fridge should do this.

                                                                                                              Courtesy: Giphy