Anyone who grew up in the age of social media, online dating and Internet culture is probably familiar with the phenomenon known as ghosting, which has quickly become a common practice within the past decade. Ghosting can be defined as the termination of all communication with another person with zero warning beforehand. Ghosting is often used in reference to romantic relationships, but it can also occur among friends, family members and even business corporations.
As someone who has incurred lasting trauma due to multiple instances of ghosting behavior from other people, it is safe to say that I am not an advocate of the practice. Although the term has expanded to refer to relationships beyond romantic ones, the rise of online dating apps has definitely contributed to not only the increase in ghosting, but the normalization of it. While I am a frequent user of dating apps myself, it would be shortsighted for me to not acknowledge their significant flaws. Dating apps can be great in that they give us the opportunity to meet people that we might otherwise never meet. However, the overwhelming increase in options can quickly lead us to view other people as just that — options. The process of evaluating another person based on a brief profile is inherently dehumanizing, which makes it easier to treat that person without care or respect. However, the more people use dating apps, the more they begin to justify behaviors that should be regarded as disrespectful — including ghosting.
That being said, I do want to clarify that there are some instances where ghosting is acceptable and even necessary — namely, when the other person is repeatedly sending you weird messages, harassing you or otherwise overstepping your boundaries. I myself have ghosted people for this very reason; I have had people ask me for things that I was not comfortable with and refuse to relent despite my firm “nos” in response. In all of those cases, the other person was actively disrespecting my wishes despite my clear communication. Thus, it became safer to ghost instead of letting them continue to harass me.
In the context of dating apps, I also think that ghosting is okay when you have not met in person yet. It is common for conversations online to fizz out due to a lack of interest, and in those instances, the stakes are low enough that there likely won’t be much emotional fallout from letting the exchange die. But one of the principles I live by is not ghosting anyone that I have met in person. In my opinion, demonstrating clear and direct communication with someone is a form of basic respect, and the inability to properly communicate indicates a lack of emotional maturity.
Some people will argue that ghosting is acceptable because they “don’t owe anyone anything.” However, this kind of mindset is often toxic, and it is unfortunately a consequence of the hyper individualistic culture we live in. It is true that we don’t owe anyone things that we haven’t promised them, such as reciprocated feelings. But “not owing anyone anything” is not an excuse to disrespect other people, intentionally hurt their feelings and waste their time.
The truth is, a lot of people ghost simply because they don’t want to “deal with” the situation and would rather take the easy way out. Again, this is a sign of emotional immaturity. Perhaps some people fear confrontation and believe that ghosting would hurt less feelings than being honest. I disagree with this notion; you don’t necessarily have to be rude or aggressive in order to be honest. You can even leave the harsher truths unsaid. But personally, I would much prefer receiving a one line explanation than nothing at all.
I realize that getting ghosted is not necessarily a big deal to everyone; a lot of people are able to move on from being ghosted without giving the other person any more thought. But unfortunately, not everyone is capable of handling the anxiety and emotional instability that often come with getting ghosted. I happen to be one of those people: I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, which means I have a tendency to fear rejection and being abandoned by others. I often worry that the people I care about do not care for me the same way. So when I get ghosted by someone who I have formed an attachment to, I start to fill in the blanks and ask myself questions like, “Did I do something wrong?” and “Did this person even care about me in the first place?”
If you are reading this article and have either ghosted someone in the past or are thinking about ghosting someone right now, I highly encourage you to refrain from doing so in the future. You never know how ghosting could affect the other person, and proper communication should be a bare minimum expectation. So let’s de-normalize ghosting and establish a new standard for basic respect instead.