I’m no stranger to platonic love. I’ve written about it often because it’s a beautiful gift I believe to be undervalued in our society. Much like Dolly Alderton, who pieced together an entire book on the matter, my friendships have taught me most of what I know about love. I’d say I’m fairly proficient in all things friendship: relationship maintenance, long-distance, ending fraught dynamics — you know, the works. As we approach the most loved-up day of the year, I’m interested in how platonic relationships have shaped the meaning of love. I spoke with platonic lovers, and here’s what they had to say.
Being loved is feeling seen. A number of the people I talked to told me that their friendships taught them what it means for someone to know you completely. One of my best friend’s friends likened it to coming home. She said platonic love is “what safety feels like.” My dad, a man with friendships spanning more than 50 years, said this shared history “translates into a great understanding of where we came from, what we’ve been through and how we approach life.” My older cousin touched on the purity of friendship, writing “It’s possible to be loved at your absolute worst by someone who wants nothing from you.” It’s knowing someone else and being known, without the promise of a reward.
Love is picking up where you left off. There’s something to be said about the unique nature of friendships that defy time and space. One of my friends who regularly moves around noted how distance isn’t an issue in her relationships. Even when she hasn’t seen friends for years at a time or only communicates every couple of months, she said that love “never really diminishes.” As my dad told me, when you have this “foundation of trust and reliance,” friendships can thrive even when you are miles away from one another. I like to view it through the lens of what my best friend from college wrote to me a year after she transferred schools:
“It’s so hard not being with you every day, but it’s also really beautiful missing you.”
In an effort to crowdsource, I took to my Instagram story, asking, “What have your platonic relationships taught you about love??” My 25-year-old brother’s best friend from undergrad wrote back, “Zach being grumpy doesn’t mean he is mad at me, just that he hates the world!” As hard as he tried to be silly, I actually found it quite sweet that he chose to reply. I sent the response to my brother, and he too found it to be very amusing, texting me back, “That’s awesome.” It is awesome that even with 200 miles between them, they’re still pulling these typical antics as if they were back in college, as if no time has passed at all.
Platonic love is expansive. I had a few people tell me that their friendships “laid the foundation” for the treatment they expect and deserve from romantic partners. In my friend Sarah’s case, she said the “love and support” she received from platonic relationships gave her the “extra confidence not to settle” romantically. Another person credited her readiness for her current long-term relationship to the practice of communication, vulnerability and boundary-setting modeled by her best friends. Others say friendship enriches their lives by offering evolved perspectives, or even in the way new friends can be born through established relationships. Like a friend of a friend who replied to my Instagram story, writing, “Love is paying attention !!! To your friend’s life and interests and other friends.”
Perhaps the most fulfilling aspect of platonic love is how it informs the relationship we have with ourselves. Two of the women I spoke to described this unparalleled trait:
“My two best friends have really shaped the way that I think about love and the way that I think about the capacity that I have to love other people, but also how lovable I believe that I am.”
“I can make my own world bigger and I can seek out things I’m scared of. I think the support I’ve received from friends is unmatched in terms of who I’ve become, and who I seek to still become.”
The best friends hype you up and remind you how amazing you are. Sure, it’s cheesy. But it’s true. They model the care and support you deserve, not only so others treat you well, but so you know how to treat yourself. They’re realistic and encouraging, challenging you to be better but also assuring you that it’s okay to just be where you are.
At the end of the day, platonic love, at its best, is limitless. It’s scooping your friend from class, reuniting with your middle school girl group, having a softball catch in 90-degree heat, listening to seven-minute-long voice memos about nothing, squeezing tight when you finally get to hug your long-distance best friend, crying about graduation and everything in between. What could be better than that? I am wishing everyone a very happy Valentine’s Day, in whichever way you celebrate. Hopefully, it’s with the people who make you feel the most loved.
Leaving you with a few other quotes I found to be moving in my reporting:
“The way our friends show up for us, we’ve got pretty high standards…romantic love better be pretty amazing.”
“Emotional connection is way more gratifying than physical connection.”
“I will value my female friendships and platonic connection and community more than almost anything else in the world for the rest of my life. Not just because of how it’s benefited me, but because of how I have seen my platonic love towards others benefit them.”
“It is strange to think of years passing and years past. It is nice to know no matter how much things, and we, change, there is still the constant of us.”