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All Aboard The Hot-Mess Express: #whitegirlwasted

Coco Chanel once said, “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” If only the late great fashion icon could see girls today, vomiting into bushes in front of Au Bon Pain. Now, I’m not a hater – I like girls, and would love nothing more than to spend my days chatting endlessly about hot topics like this week’s pyramid on “Dance Moms” and the hijinks that just unfolded on the most recent episode of “Pretty Little Liars.”

However, it’s when the weekend rolls around, and the transformation from respectable woman to alcohol-driven-sex starved-she-wolf emerges that I start having problems. It’s sad to watch the girls who consume more alcohol than all of the Real Housewives of NYC combined and it’s even sadder (and by sadder I mean disturbing) to watch them pull a “Snooki” and squat-pee in the middle of the street.

Ladies, you can party and YOLO as much as you want without destroying your self respect (and the appetite of those around you). You still have time to see the errors of your ways and rejoin civilization. And if you’re not ready to make that big leap back into the world of “real clothing,” at least keep these thoughts in mind the next time you go out.

  1. Try to keep the shouting to a minimum. We understand how frustrating it is to wait in line at a party only to find out that it’s at full capacity, but screaming “You suck balls” to the bouncer at the top of your lungs is probably not going to help the situation. In fact, the only thing publicly lashing out will do for you is highlight the fact that you may have a drinking problem if you are that desperate to get into a party.
  2. Don’t drunk text about how drunk you are. As much as I love you and your wild spirit, I’d appreciate it if I could watch Netflix in peace without hearing about how drunk you are. Believe it or not, I’ve already inferred how intoxicated you are from the sheer spelling errors in your texts alone.
  3. Please don’t take home that guy you’ve been eyeing all night. I know you think he looks like Ryan Reynolds right now, but tomorrow morning when you wake up next to a Steve Buscemi look-alike, I get to say “I told you so.”
  4. For the love of God, don’t take drunk selfies. You may think that the kissy face you’re giving is cute, but in reality you look like a makeup-smudged duck face that not even an Instagram filter can fix.
  5. Please don’t complain about the alcohol options. Girl, this is a dilapidated frat house not the Catalina Wine Mixer, so just take the lukewarm beer and keep your opinions to yourself.
  6. Also while we’re at it please don’t: throw up, cry about your boyfriend or spill beer – this is self explanatory (I hope).

Hopefully this advice will help girls out there to distinguish that oh so blurry line between “class” and just plain “ass” and assist you in your quest to become the woman you always knew you were. And in case you were wondering, I do not think women are the only ones in desperate need of some class – in fact, I think college guys need just as much if not double the guidance (but that’s a whole other issue entirely). I have faith that with a little self control and self awareness that you can change your lifestyle from that of Amanda Bynes circa 2012 to Amanda Bynes circa 2002 because it’s about time to bring in the Dancing Lobsters and put an end to these shenanigans!

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Connor Doherty


I am currently a junior at Northeastern University pursuing a degree in Communications and Political Science. In my spare time I enjoy counting calories, fantasizing about being friends with Jennifer Lawrence and binge watching Lifetime movies.
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