As a type two enneagram, one of my biggest deepest fears is being unloved. As a result, I struggle with maintaining boundaries and I often attach others’ actions and opinions to my self-worth. I often have a hard time letting go even when it is for my own good and when I do I begin to feel abandoned even if I am the one who made the decision. If you don’t know what an enneagram is it is a personality typography tool developed to determine a person’s personality type. There are nine distinct enneagrams and although they aren’t meant to confine your personality they are meant to help a person learn and understand their strengths, weaknesses, fears, and motivations. One of my main goals for this year was to work on myself. To no longer be defined by those fears and redefine where I get my self-worth from.
A few years ago I learned about what an enneagram was and I was very intrigued by the whole idea but it wasn’t until I found myself in a super unhealthy relationship that I stumbled into an enneagram Instagram account and began to make sense of why I kept putting myself through the same situations. I knew what my type was but when I did the research I realized how accurate it was and it truly shocked me. The shock was caused by the realization of how little control I had over myself. As a person who loves control, I couldn’t believe how I totally let this very important part of me slip out of my hands.
The more research I did, I realized that learning more about my enneagram meant improving my lifestyle by becoming more aware of myself and growing my self-confidence. The Enneagram has helped me earn perspective about myself, earn self-love, self-awareness, self-compassion, and mindfulness. I highly recommend people to take the test and research their type since it will not only help cultivate healthier relationships with themselves and with others too.
Type two enneagrams are sensitive, nurturing, compassionate, and will make sure to make their loved ones feel loved and cared for. These are all good qualities however, they struggle with turning away from themselves, and they turn to others for a sense of security. In my past relationships, I have fallen into the same pattern of codependency and having the strong desire to become indispensable even if it meant self-sacrificing my own needs. I struggle with saying “no” and expressing my own needs because I fear rejection, so I minimize my own feelings. Although nothing makes me happier than to give all my love and support in every way this can be very unhealthy if one is not doing the same for themselves. In my experience, I eventually give everything until I no longer can, and it ends up making me feel empty. In the past, I felt completely drained in all forms, and even though this is was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt, it became my saving grace. No matter how much I cared for that person I finally understood that you can never give so much when you are totally empty, therefore, with all the pain in my heart I had to let go and choose myself for the first time.
For the first time, I am learning that the love and care I give others is a beautiful thing but before that, I have to learn to stop giving it all away without reserving any love for myself. I am learning to give those things that I have always denied myself and that I have to take care of myself first before I choose to take care of someone else because if I don’t then who else will?
Each type is different, and everyone has their own journey to travel. Perhaps if you feel lost in some way like I did, it is time to step back and evaluate what enneagram type you are. It still is difficult at times and I still struggle with feelings of abandonment and desire to be there to meet someone’s needs, but I am taking it one step at a time and slowly I feel something change inside of me. I am beyond grateful for those who have coached me through this process directly or indirectly. I know the enneagram won’t solve everything, but it at least helps me regain that control by understanding myself better and most importantly learn how to give myself the love that I deserve.
“It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.”-Rupi Kaur