Picture this: your dad picks you up from a long, hot day of school, and ready to go buy some sort of nice, frozen dessert to take a little bit of the bite out of the heat of the day. So, you go to your favorite ice cream shop, and indulge in some sweet, creamy ice cream, some old-timey tune playing in the background. The music, laughter from you both as he did something both incredibly funny but also horrifically embarrassing, and the bright, cheery colors and smells of the shop soon blend together, until one day, you look back and it was just like the many other days spent with dear ol’ Dad. Now, ask me to look back on a day like that, and I will smile and say it was one of the best days ever, not because I take joy in the simple moments in life (although I do), but because the memories made with my dad are not great in number. Only 7 and a half years’ worth. You see, when I was young, I had to learn one of the hardest lessons any child can learn; that their parents are not immortal. My dad passed away in the fall of my second grade year. To say that life had taken a wrench and thrown it onto my path in life would be an understatement. I can still remember the morning after, in crystal clarity, and the terrible, terrible pain I felt, as though someone had come along and ripped my heart out, along with the rest of my organs. Without a doubt, the death of my father is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. It also has been played a major role in who I am today. While I could go on for an incredibly long time on how this shaped me, I do not want to focus on that part of this, not in this article. Instead, I want to share with you some of the things I have had to learn because of this. So, let’s get this morose ball rolling, shall we?
It is really hard to listen to others complain about their parents
It annoys me to no end when people who have pretty stable, loving households complain about and treat their parents poorly. I mean I get it, parents are still human too, and I complain about my own mother from time to time. But so what your mom didn’t get you the right color of purse you wanted, or how your dad always embarrasses you in public? At least you have them. I could not begin to tell you what I would do to be able to make one more memory with my father, even if that memory would be of him making me groan as he tells the punch line to his favorite joke for the 9 millionth time. If your parents are loving people who genuinely care about you, then be thankful, instead of throwing a tantrum like a snot-nosed little spoiled brat because they got you a pair of “regular” shoes instead of the new Ugg’s that just came out this season. Count yourself as one of the lucky ones, one who hasn’t had to face knowing that they will never see their mom or dad ever again, or who had parents who were lackluster at best.
The older you get, the more things you realize they will not be making it to
I graduated from a very small school, like I am talking my graduating class was eight kids, so we got to have a very personal graduation. Along with each of use having our own slideshow and song to go with it, we also decided to have our parents come up and put our caps and gowns on us, and gave them flowers, one for your mom, and one for your dad. The flowers were even two different colors. And the fact that I gave my mom both of them was heart wrenching. My dad did not get to see me graduate, go to my first basketball game, or threaten my prom date. My dad will not get to see me graduate college, walk me down the aisle, or meet any child I might have. I can still remember my first dance at my old high school, and fighting back tears when my friend and her dad had their first official father daughter dance. It was really hard, and it gets harder at times when you pass by the big, or even small, events that you would love to tell your parent about. Something that helps me, is if something crazy happened to me that day, I write a letter to my dad about it. I know that this may seem frivolous, as he won’t get to read it, but I have found that it helps.
You sometimes envy people, even your friends
I love getting to meet my friends’ parents. Sounds kind of weird, but getting to meet the people who helped shape the people I love has always been awesome to me. But at times it can be hard to hear my friends share some of their stories about their family. Hearing them gush about some of the funny, heartfelt, or even boring things that their family does makes me a little… well not jealous, more like wistful, to get to experience similar things with my dad. And it happens often, not only with my friends, but also seeing a random family anywhere, be it a park or Wal-Mart. Seeing a kid playing games with their father, or their dad running to them if they start crying, it can sometimes make me tear up a bit, which can get weird, because what on Earth would you think if you say this “adult” woman start crying a little out of the blue? This was rather hard for me to accept, these stabs of longing and slight envy for others, as I am not someone who tends to get jealous of what others have. Eventually though, I realized that I was making myself feel even worse, by feeling guilty about these emotions. The reality of losing someone close to you is agony, and the constant reminders of what you lost makes it worse, but what makes it almost unbearable is when you start beating yourself up for how these reminders make you feel. So, learn how to accept that you are going to be jealous of others for having their loved ones, and do not let it or guilt about it swallow you whole.
People who have not gone through it will not get it, and that is fine
When I tell people that my father died when I was young, it is usually met with the cursory general apology and then awkward silence, with some people trying to relate with the story of how their dog Rango ran away from home when they were little, or their great grandma who they met twice died when they were four. Now I am not saying that those two examples are not also tragic, but instead to show that people who have never lost a parent or other immediate family member do not understand. I cannot emphasize this fact enough. People will not know what you have gone through because of this, and do not know how to react to it. They also tend to look over that fact after a while, and be baffled by what you think is important in life versus what many others do. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with one of my friends, who lost her brother when she was young, about this. How the people we know do not understand why we freak out if we do not hear from them after they make plans with us, or tell us that they are going to be travelling somewhere far away. How holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Father’s and Mother’s Day, and even our own birthdays carry a different weight, let alone our loved one’s birthday or day that they passed away. They simply cannot understand, and I hope they do not have to for a very long time.
I could go on for days about the different things that I have learned about from losing my dad, but I do not want this article to turn into some long, poorly written autobiography! So, I hope that for those of you who have lost a close loved one, this helps you in whatever way it can. For those of you who have not experienced this, I hope this helps you to understand how someone who has lost a loved one might be feeling. With that being said, I want to leave you all with one last piece of advice. It sucks, but you will get through it. And there is no time limit on how long that should take, or how you react to it.