There are a few awkward sex conversations that you’ll have in life. There’s the talk with your parents, the Sex Ed class where the teacher brings out the condoms and bananas, and the first time your doctor asks if you’re sexually active. Those are the monumental ones, each a milestone in your coming of age story. The toughest conversations, though, won’t be part of a routine check-up or right of passage. The tough ones will feel more intimate and take more open communication. These are the conversations about consent and sexual health with your partners.
Obviously, talking about getting tested isn’t traditionally the sexiest or easiest thing. So here are a couple things to keep in mind and help make these conversations a little less awkward and complicated.
Too often, safe sex is rendered down to condoms and basic verbal consent. It’s more nuanced though, because feeling safe in general isn’t that straightforward or literal. Safe sex should do more than prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancy. It’s also about ensuring consent is respected and sexual history can be talked about openly without fear or shame. In other words, it’s about creating some level of trust. This isn’t to say you should only be with partners you’ve known for ten years and would trust with your social security number. Whoever it is and however long you’ve known them for – whether it’s a day or your whole life – isn’t what’s most important here. All that matters is that you’re comfortable enough to talk things through.
And having this conversation doesn’t have to mean sitting down for 30 minutes and killing any and all fun. This stuff can be rendered down to a couple short straightforward questions or maybe it’s something you want to give more time to before hand. It’s just whatever feels right.
Remember, like with any conversation, it’s not just on you to figure things out and keep things going. Your partner also has some responsibility here to make sure you’re comfortable; you are not alone in any of this. So, be honest when you’re feeling uncomfortable or awkward and be open-minded when your partner does the same.
There are a lot of misconceptions about sex in culture. Despite what’s in the movies, sex and romance don’t have to start with an unspoken spontaneous connection. Sometimes, intimacy means rolling through that awkward conversation about getting tested and setting boundaries. Like all the other awkward conversations about sex in life, it’s just part of being sexually active and healthy. So, go out and have the awkward conversations and don’t just “be safe,” make sure you feel safe too.
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