It is 9:30 at night. As I sit in bed, writing this article I can’t help but think about the potato chips I ate minutes before and contemplate whether the calories will carry over to my thighs or my stomach.
I have been in pseudo recovery from my eating disorder for a year now. A recent relapse has truly forced me to believe that “recovery is not linear.”
Eating Disorder Awareness Week is from February 22nd to the 28th. According to NEDA, the goal of the week is to bring awareness to the seriousness of eating disorders and share resources that would benefit those struggling.
I have read several books in my disordered past from Laurie Halse Anderson’s Wintergirls to Natasha Friend’s Perfect. Both books acting as some sort of pro-ana bible and leaving me with more tips on how to hide my disorder from my family.
It was during my (second) time in recovery that I came across Roxane Gay, Jamaican-American writer, and activist. She is known for her critically acclaimed novels, Bad Feminist and An Untamed State.
It was Gay’s 2017 memoir, Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body that regained my faith in eating disorder novels.
In Hunger, Gay discusses her struggles with Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia Nervosa that arose after she was sexually assaulted as a child. Gay grabs your hand and takes you on a journey into the most intimate facets of her life and disorder. Hunger has a 4.2 rating on Goodreads, with one reader stating, “It is an incredibly powerful memoir that is made even more so by the raw, uncensored truth Gay brings to it.”
To my surprise I did not spend half-an-hour in front of the mirror, body checking after I finished the novel. Oddly enough, I felt empowered instead of triggered. I read back all of the quotes I highlighted, thinking back to the exact moment where I had been in Gay’s shoes. You couldn’t find any of these quotes on a Tumblr page. This was the first novel that I had read about eating disorders that didn’t have the words “thigh-gap” in it.
All I could say is: Thank God for Roxane Gay.
There are very few novels written about Binge Eating Disorder (or BED). It is often viewed as inferior to its more glamorous sisters, Anorexia and Bulimia, and therefore, less marketable.
Gay breaks down that eating disorder hierarchy and forces you to see the ugly truth behind using food to silence your trauma – the itch to binge following with the unmeasurable amount of guilt afterward. Like many with eating disorders, food is not the problem, it is the symptom. In a world full of darkness, food can act as a form of solace.
Gay provides raw insight into how she used food to alter her body, using it as armor. She tackles what it is like to inhabit a body that is villainized in our racist, patriarchal society: to be fat and Black.
There are very few novels about eating disorders by Black writers. When one thinks of eating disorders, they often picture an emaciated, cisgender White girl. Racism within healthcare prevents those struggling who are marginalized from receiving the same amount of treatment as their White counterparts. According to NEDA, Black teenagers are 50% more likely to exhibit bulimic behaviors compared to their White counterparts. In a study with identical cases displaying disordered symptoms, clinicians were asked to determine if the behaviors displayed were dangerous. A mere 17% of clinicians categorized the Black woman’s behavior as troublesome.
Gay, a true trailblazer in building awareness towards the reality of eating disorders, deserves more recognition for her bravery. Everyone should read Hunger, whether they are struggling, in recovery, knows someone who is struggling, or has heard of an eating disorder. In the meantime, you can add Hunger to your reading list by purchasing it on Amazon or Audible.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please contact the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) helpline at 800-931-2237.