I’m a fantastic person. Truly.
Not to let the inner narcissist pop out or anything, but I’m a good person. I’m not necessarily the perfect candidate for the “Good Place” but I’d like to think there would at least be a heated debate with God (Ariana Grande?) and whoever else is in charge of the after-life (I don’t know much about Gods other than what I learned through Poptropica’s mythology game.) Do not be fooled, this doesn’t mean I love myself, I am still very heavily flawed in everyway possible, but I care about the people in my life a lot. Maybe too much. I’m the type of friend who would take a bullet for you, but also be the one who pulled the trigger. I’m a great friend. Granted, I probably talk about myself too much and I love to bully–I mean *have witty banter my friends*, but I care and make it a point to show I care. I care enough to where my friends have asked me to stop caring a little bit. I naturally am a very inquisitive and self-reflective person, which helps a lot if you’re a philosophy major like me, but for the other 40% of your life where you’re not reading 200 year old texts about ethics and morality, you’re constantly debating yourself. I don’t let myself feel entirely good without questioning and doubting myself, which is both extremely helpful and harmful in relationships.
I’m always worried that I said the wrong thing or that one of my friends is having a bad day because of something I did or that everyone hates me, when in reality nothing has happened. I spend half my time wondering if my friends are all together talking shit about me instead of hanging out with me. Obviously this goes back to deep psychological problems and all relates to that one time I spit up chocolate milk at the boys table in the 3rd grade during lunch, but it’s not all on me. Trust me, a lot of is my own problem, but it’s not immoral or illegal to wish the people if your life were just a little bit better. It’s not everybody, but sometimes, it’s really easy to latch on people who simply don’t care about you the way you care about them. It’s a tale as old as time, it’s the rhythm and the rhyme, or something else white dads say.
I don’t know why this always happens to me and my friends who have similar problems. It’s a tiny heart break every time you love and care for someone and they don’t feel the same about you or, even worse, they don’t want to feel that way about you. And this isn’t strictly in romantic terms, it goes for platonic relationships as well. Sometimes a friend breakup or a best friend fight can hurt just as much or maybe even more than conflict with a romantic partner. There’s not really a fix for this. There’s not a way to figure out if someone is going to ruin you emotionally (not until the simulation glitches and we’re living in a Black Mirror reality). Thankfully, there are ways to recognize what type of relationships you’re in.
Not every single one of your friends needs to be there for you at all times. You can have a friend that’s really fun to work out with (I don’t have any of those nor do I want one), friends that you can pour your whole heart out to, friends that you don’t need to talk to every day but will always be easy to converse with, friends that you need to hang with all the time. There’s not one platform or formula for the type of friend everyone is supposed to be. I had to learn the hard way that some of my best friends are going to chose a partner or a date over me and while that sucks, it’s just realistic. Not everyone has the same sense of morals or guidelines as you. That doesn’t make you better than them or make them a horrible person, it just makes you different.
I’m still learning not to beat myself up when one of my friends won’t hang out with me. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. That doesn’t mean you should let people treat you however they want, you should still set some rules with your friends, but it’s okay to be somewhat reserved in how you delegate your love and care for others.
You don’t have to change yourself or become a crass, soulless subway rat but you are able to realize who’s deserving of your goodness. We live in a society where our generation is told it’s acceptable to behave in a canceling culture. “Cut toxic people out of your life” has become a common internet saying and people truly take it to heart. Conflict is not comfortable, it’s scary and sometimes emotionally wrecking, but imagine a world where every time there’s conflict, we write it off as “toxic” behavior and don’t try to resolve anything. We’re coddled in the sense that we’re told these years are the only years of our lives we’re allowed to be selfish.
The hard part about being told we’re allowed to be selfish is that some people take it truly to heart. Yes, partial and controlled selfishness is key to a happy mental state, but constantly reinforcing a selfish mentality normalizes individualized and chaotic behavior. Constant selfishness does not allow maturity to take place. That’s what people in their late teens and 20’s don’t get. Nothing in our organized society is every truly one state, nor is it one truth. Selfishness, like everything else, is multi dimensional and layered…like a Big Mac. I’m aware of my selfishness, but it wasn’t until recent that I learned that not everybody has reflected on their actions or their behavior. They’ve internalized the “look out for yourself, kid” mentality and as much as I had to admit it, it affect you and the people around you. If any of this sounds familiar, I’m sorry, it’s not a comfortable feeling, but it’s imperative to stay self-aware of yourself.
Take responsibility for when you do hurt someone, but more often than you think, the problem isn’t actually with you and it’s actually with a person in your life. On the other hand, if you’re one of those people only looking out for yourself, ask yourself, why? Question everything, take a philosophy class, read a book, watch a conspiracy video. You’re not a bad person or necessarily a bad friend, but the point is to get in a state of questioning things in a healthy way. By doing this, you’re able to truly find qualities and aspects of yourself that you firmly believe in. You’re able to be confident in who you are and you’re able to recognize when something isn’t working.
I’ve had to distance myself from a lot of people, and that ruins my soul, but those are the moments I’m allowed to be selfish. When talking about our problems doesn’t work out and we can’t reach a resolution, I have a pass to walk away. I’m allowed to recognize that every relationship isn’t necessarily good for me. Friendships and family dynamics change, you change, people change. We mature, we fail, we grow, we struggle, but we don’t have to do it all together, it’s about being able to recognize when it’s time to grow apart. And if all else fails, and you can’t get out of a toxic relationship, just text the person a link to Britney Spear’s “Toxic” until they stop talking to you, because any friend who doesn’t love Britney is not a friend you need/want to have.