[Note: This article depicts the opinion of the author, not Her Campus as a whole. We welcome your feedback in the comments section, but please be respectful of other’s opinions.]
Yes, believe it or not, it can be done! You can in fact be a strong, independent woman AND have a steady boyfriend!
When I was younger, and none of the boys in school liked me, my mom told me that I was too mature and independent and I scared boys away. Mom, if you’re reading this, I know you didn’t mean to discourage being independent and mature, you’re a great mom and I love ya. However, now I can recognize that, as women, we are taught to do whatever we can in order to get a man to like us. My mom simply passed on what she was taught, and ever since then I always felt like I had to resist talking about feminism or anything else that made me sound too independent in front of boys.
I thought that when I was in a relationship I would either have to tone down my feminist beliefs as to not scare him away, or constantly be a strong independent woman and never let him pay for my meal or open the car door for me. But neither of those is what feminism is about. Now that I am in college, and have been in a steady relationship for a year, I have learned a lot about what it means to be a feminist while having a boyfriend.
1. It’s okay to let him pay…
Of course, he does not have to pay every time the two of you go out, but there is nothing wrong with letting him pick up the bill and treat you to dinner.
2. …as long as you also pay for him sometimes.
Everyone deserves to be treated to a meal or event by their significant other, not just the females. Also, you can always split the bill so you each pay your own way.
3. It’s okay to depend on him sometimes.
Just because you want to be a strong, independent woman does not mean that you have to do everything on your own. Nobody has it together 100% of the time. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is that you don’t have to carry life’s burdens all alone. He wants to be there for you, so open up and let him in. This does not make you any less independent.
4. Make sure he knows he can depend on you.
Make sure he’s comfortable enough to open up to you and knows that it does not make him weak or any less “manly”.
5. Expect to be respected.
It should go without saying that the two of you will always treat each other with the utmost respect. This is not only about the boy respecting the girl, but the girl also respecting the boy.
6. Let him spoil you. Accept his gifts.
Again, being a feminist does not mean you have to give up traditions of American relationships. Accept his gifts, let him buy you expensive jewelery. He knows you can pay for it on your own, but he doesn’t want you to; he wants to show you how much he cares. Let him. You deserve to be loved. Gifts shouldn’t be expected or demanded, just appreciated.
7. Spoil him back.
While you should accept his gifts to you, don’t forget to give some gifts back! Spoil each other. Buy him random presents to let him know you are thinking of him. Neither of you has to take out another college loan in order to spoil each other. Get him his favorite candy bar while you’re food shopping, or a little something from where you go out with your friends that night. Be creative and give from the heart. If you want him to treat you like a princess, treat him like a prince.
8. It’s okay to be clingy sometimes.
Going into a relationship as a feminist, I tried to be the “cool” girlfriend who always let him hang out with his friends and play video games and do dude stuff. However, I’ve learned that that is unnecessary. I am still a human being, and I crave to be loved, so sometimes I just want his attention. And that’s okay. Don’t feel guilty for asking him to stay in with you. Don’t feel like you’re a crazy girlfriend who dictates his life. Of course, these requests should be within reason. Everyone needs their space. Communication is key to this one.
9. Make decisions together.
When it comes to decisions within your relationship, make sure that both parties are included in the decision making process. Communication truly is the secret to a successful relationship. Don’t take control of the decisions, and don’t let him take control either. It’s all about balance and compromise.
10. Redefine chivalry.
Don’t respect me because I’m a woman, respect me because I am a human being, and I will do the same for you. Even though I am a strong woman, hold the door open for me as a common courtesy, and I will hold the door open for you.
11. Being in a feminist relationship means both parties are treated equally, and given equal respect. No one is treated better than the other.