I’d like to say I knew what was going on while I was sitting in a soundproof room in front of a reflective glass window. My parents sat silently in the back corner of the room while the woman put headphones on me and explained to me what was going to happen: raise my right hand if I heard the beeps. First I’d hear them in my right ear, then in my left ear. I nodded as she left the room, closing the door behind her.
I thought it was kind of a game. The beeps started off loudly, and then grew softer and softer until I couldn’t hear them anymore. They were all different sounds—some were high pitched and some were low pitched. I just continued to raise my hand, thinking maybe I’d win at the game.
As it turns out, I didn’t win. The woman came back and took the headphones off of me, and then guided my parents and I to an office down the hall. She showed us a chart with a bunch of markings on it, and I had no idea what any of them meant. I tried following along with the conversation, but at 7 years old, I was confused as to what was going on.
The woman explained to me that she was going to take impressions of the inside of my ears. She filled a syringe with some sort of clay, and the filled my ears with it. I sat there, unable to hear a thing, waiting for the clay in my ears to harden. My parents continued to give me reassuring looks as the woman carefully pulled the clay out of my ears. I was so excited to see what the shape of the inside of my ears looked like!
Then the woman gave me a chart with different colors and patterns on them. She told me I could choose one of the colors/patterns, and my ear molds would look like that. Of course I chose the sparkly purple print, because what little girl, who so desperately wanted to be a princess, wouldn’t?
Then the woman explained to me that I would have to come back in a few weeks. She told me that she was ordering my hearing aids for me, and that once I got them, I’d be able to hear better.
I was confused because I thought I heard fine. I knew my mom couldn’t hear very well, but I didn’t think anything was wrong with me. I remember being scared. My parents sat down with me and told me it was a huge responsibility to wear hearing aids because they cost a lot of money. I needed to be sure never to lose them or get them wet. I had to be sure to wear them everyday, and keep them out of reach from my dog.
I was actually excited to get them because it made me feel responsible. That feeling didn’t last long once I got them, though, because that’s when the bullying started. I began wearing them to school, and many of my classmates didn’t know what they were, so they asked me hundreds of questions about them. This was okay, I knew they were just curious, but when I got into middle school, the real viciousness started.
People would come up to me and tell me I was weird because I wore those “things” in my ears. My “friends” decided they didn’t want to sit with me at lunch anymore because it was weird that I wore hearing aids. I knew people spoke badly about me, but it just made me more excited to get through middle school and into high school.
I was sadly mistaken when I thought high school would be any better—in fact, it got worse. People would refer to me as “Deaf Girl,” both in person and on Facebook. My classmates were treating me unfairly because they claimed that teachers were easier on me because of my disability. By the end of senior year, I just kept to myself. I avoided going to lunch because I didn’t want to associate with anyone. I just went to school and came home, counting down the days until graduation.
In the end, I graduated high school with a 3.96 GPA, and I was committed to the University of New Haven with multiple scholarships.
Caitlin at UNH orientation in 2013
As bad as grade school was, I kept telling myself that college was the time to do what I wanted to do without letting anyone stop me, and that’s exactly what I did. Since I got to the University of New Haven three years ago, I’ve made tons of friends, all of who support me and my disability, I’ve joined multiple clubs and gained leadership positions in some, I founded Her Campus New Haven and became a founding member of the Theta Omega chapter of Alpha Sigma Alpha Sorority, and I continuously make the Deans List.
I think a lot of my second half of senior year, and how much I wanted to die because all of my “friends” turned on me and I knew my hearing was getting worse. I used to cry to my mom almost every day and ask her to let me stay home because I didn’t want to face anyone at school, but I pushed through, and I’m so glad I did.
I’m not sharing my story because I want pity. I’m sharing my story because I am living proof that it gets better. It might get better in a week, a month, or a year, or, in my case, it might take eight years for it to get better. I know what it’s like to feel alone and useless and a burden, but I can’t be any more happy that I pushed through it all. I am so glad I didn’t listen to all of the negativity or mean comments. I’m glad I found the strength to stay true to myself and push through it all because I can honestly say I have never been happier in my entire life!
Caitlin with her HC New Haven Executive Team