Finals Week Facts: Businesses That Should Thank Me

I am convinced that I am the sole reason for the climbing success of various companies. Finals week pushes me to splurge consistently on the same four brands. At this point, I think I should get hired as an avid promoter.

1) Kleenex:

Time for the routine 2am meltdowns and midday anxiety attacks. We are going to be witnessing a lot of tears until I get these tests over with… might as well come prepared! You owe your skyrocketing sales to me, Kleenex. 


2) Dunkin Donuts:

Is it really finals week if your bloodstream isn’t overflowing with caffeine? Three cups of coffee is the minimum needed if you want me functioning after last night’s all-nighter. Thank you, Dunkin, for holding my hand through this difficult time.

3) Hershey’s:

No better way to stuff down your emotions like a handful of chocolate, right? Hershey’s has had my back through all my years of living. As a token of my gratitude, take all my money. Just don’t cut off my chocolate supply. That’s all I ask.

4) Adidas:

There’s no motivation for real clothes. There’s no time for laundry. There’s only room for sweats, sweats, and more sweats. Running on your last clean pair? Guess I’m heading out to the mall to buy some more.

Hey, keep in mind— I never said any of these were good ideas! We’re all just trying to survive here.

Happy Finals Week!