Did you know that each person has an attachment style that is determined by the time they are 3 years old? Your attachment style has a lot to do with how you see yourself and the world around you. It also plays a huge role in your relationships. Each attachment style is explained below:
Secure: Positive view of self, positive view of others.
A secure person finds it easy to trust and depend on others. They see themselves in a positive light. Relationships are a positive thing in their lives, but they do not solely depend on them. They might also find themselves getting hurt in relationships because they are able to trust and open up easily, often without taking note of red flags.
Ambivalent: Negative view of self, positive view of others.
An ambivalent person loves being with other people, and often does not like to be alone. In a relationship, they tend to rely on that person for their security and happiness. They often do not think highly of themselves, or have low self-esteem. Relationships are a positive thing in their lives, but this person might find themselves obsessing over them to the point where it is no longer healthy.
Avoidant: Negative view of self, positive view of others.
An avoidant person is very self-reliant. They love doing things alone and often feel most fulfilled in their own presence. This person might have a hard time trusting people, and tends to push people away before they are able to get too close. Relationships are difficult for this person because they are very independent and dismissive of others. They often do this as a way to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Disorganized: Negative view of self, negative view of others.
A disorganized person finds it difficult to be in a close relationship, although they desperately want to be. This is likely because of a fear they have developed, most often stemming from caregivers in their early childhood who were unreliable or abusive. This person now fears relationships because they expect only rejection and hurt to come from them, and they often self-sabotage them before this can occur.
In only about 5% of cases does a person’s attachment style change, so it is best to focus on ways you can improve yourself and your relationships in order to better adjust to yours. Here are some ways to do that:
If you are SECURE:
Continue finding peace in your relationships, while also understanding the value you have as an individual. Do not put a guard up, but understand that a person’s actions speak louder than their words; just because they are saying the right things does not mean that they have the right intentions. While it is easy to trust people, do not do so blindly.
If you are AMBIVALENT:
Try to focus on self-love and developing independence. While this may be difficult, it can be done in many small ways. For example, if you usually only go to the store with a friend, try to go by yourself a couple of times. Making these small adjustments can help you to develop a better relationship with yourself.
If you are AVOIDANT:
While you enjoy and prefer being alone, try to put yourself out there more. Instead of telling your friend that you are too busy to go out with them, push yourself to make an appearance; you might end up having a great time! Again, this is a small adjustment that can have a big impact on you.
If you are DISORGANIZED:
You may be dealing with some trauma that has not been resolved. Try to talk about this with a loved one or even a therapist. You do not have to tell them everything, but taking these small steps and sharing parts of your life with others can help you to build relationships and develop some trust for others.