We may have seen discussions on how to recognise if you’re being gaslit, but what about situations when you’re the gaslighter? We all have something to work on, and for some of us, it may be toxic gaslighting tendencies.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group of people makes someone doubt their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. This happens when gaslighters undermine another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Victims of gaslighting become anxious, confused, and lose trust in their gut feelings.
What is wrong with gaslighting?
By gaslighting, you’re taking advantage of the trust that your friends or family have in you to come off as better. It is extremely unhealthy and self-centred behaviour that exploits the trust that your loved ones give you because you want to ease your own anxieties and feel in control of the situation.
When is gaslighting most likely to occur?
Gaslighting can be unintentional and without malicious intent, but it is a learned behaviour that often occurs in a power dynamic. This involves the gaslightee being afraid to lose the gaslighter by changing the dynamic of the relationship (to challenge the gaslighter’s behaviour) or be seen as “less” by the gaslighter. The gaslightee wants to keep the equilibrium by believing the gaslighter, and this is used as a measure of power in the relationship. The gaslightee tends to adjust or compromise more to avoid having a conflict.
Gaslighters use this as a method to control the relationship and ease anxiety to feel “in charge” or reassured. This deflects responsibility, placing the burden on the gaslightee to please the gaslighter and keep the relationship going or to prove the gaslighter wrong.
How do we recognise if we’re gaslighting your friends/family?
Gaslighting usually occurs in these five ways:
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Withholding: refusing to listen or saying you don’t understand
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Countering: questioning the other person’s memory of an event
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Blocking/diverting: changing the subject or questioning how the other person thinks
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Trivialising: making the other person’s needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important
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Forgetting/denial: pretending to have forgotten what actually happened or denying something previously agreed on
If you notice yourself saying these phrases often, you may be unintentionally gaslighting your close ones:
“You’re reading too much into this.”
“Stop taking everything I say so seriously.”
“It’s not as bad as you think.”
“Why are you being so sensitive about it? It’s just a small matter.”
“Oh come on. I never said that.”
“You’re just being overly sensitive.”
“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…”
You may also feel like your opinion is always correct, or that your friend/family member is always apologising to you. When a close one confides in you, you tend to make light of or be dismissive of their opinions or feelings.
Gaslighting is a learned behaviour that we may not be aware of. We might think that we are just expressing ourselves directly or that we’re just being honest and saying it “like it is.” Having a fixed world view and assuming that everyone else experiences the same thing denies their experience, but also results in us assuming immediately that other parties are at fault or have issues, not ourselves. It is a cognitive strategy for self-regulation and co-regulation that is powerful and works.
Recognising that you may have gaslighting tendencies is the first step. It is painful to unlearn defensive behaviours and be vulnerable to criticism, but if your close ones around you are willing to do the hard work of changing the way you argue or interact, try to be open to their support instead of relapsing and buffer yourself from your own reality.