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Sex + Relationships

How to Approach Kinky Conversations With Your Partner

You don’t have to be self-conscious about wanting to be pleasured during sex. We have previously written (The Normalised Gap in Sexual Pleasure) about the unfortunate fact that there is a normalised sexual pleasure gap between men and women. Within heterosexual relationships, 90% of men achieve orgasm compared to only 50% of women. Perhaps, some of us may be willing to try other things in the bedroom in order to spice things up. 

No matter what you choose to engage with or how you engage with these aspects of your sexuality, please do so in a safe manner. This means having safe sex such as the use of contraceptives and condoms to using the right type of equipment and safe words.

The importance of being safe

Before you jump into exploring your kinky side, you should know how to play it safe without placing yourself at risk. Firstly, contraceptives are crucial such as the use of condoms or female birth control pills or Intrauterine Devices (IUD). Next, whenever you engage in whatever you are interested in, you should try to have the right sex toys (A How-to Guide to Sex Toys). Using the wrong type of toy during sex play may be a little risky, for example, if you like to be tied up in certain positions, the type of rope is important. So, you may want to invest in the proper equipment to prevent accidents from happening. Lastly, you should know your boundaries and limits in order to know when you are uncomfortable in a situation. Hence, the use of safewords in different colours is crucial. You can use the traffic light system like green, orange and red to signal your comfort level when you are in play. Always remember to check in with your partner and be attentive to their needs along with their comfort level.

How to ask for what you want?

But how do we go about verbalising our wants and approaching our partners with our preferences? 

Well, you don’t have to have serious sit-down conversations. It would help if you had a list of preferences and kinks. You can start simply by looking for a list of kinks that you would like to explore, either with your partner or without (For example: List of Kinks). If you have a list of kinks, you can go through it with a partner and have set boundaries with certain actions, such as: have tried, open to trying or will not try. Once you have established your boundaries with a partner who understands and respects your rules, you can proceed with examining what turns you on in the bedroom.

Explore other kinky ways to let loose

Relax, you don’t have to dive headfirst into the depth and breadth of the BDSM community. You can always start small by exploring the myriad of sex toys (refer to the How to guide) so that you can get a better understanding of your preferences. Try to be more comfortable with your own body and knowing how it works so that you can guide your partner with what works for you. Most women do not orgasm solely from vaginal penetration, thus, you can explore if clitoral stimulation is crucial to achieving a better experience. Don’t be afraid of adding in toys to help stimulate during partner play as there are vibrators that can be used in conjunction with paired play. 

Being kinky isn’t all about fancy toys, you can explore other ways to be kinky without buying expensive gadgets! Attempting different sexual positions or being in charge in the bedroom may be more up your alley. Buying a cute lingerie set or trying dirty talk could help things. Dirty talking can be another form of engaging with your partner and you can start things off by simply describing how certain actions turn you on and vocalising them. You don’t have to pantomime and yell as whispering and moans work just fine. Don’t overthink it and try to express and live in the moment. 

At the end of the day, the principal key to achieving orgasm is to remain comfortable, relaxed and calm. You should not be thinking of sex as purely a goal to achieve orgasm, as it may lead you to be stuck in your head. Try to remain engaged and not overthink during sex as part of sex is the connection that you feel both emotionally and mentally. 

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