Being single for all my life is hurtful to my pride.
Okay, admitting that out loud is more difficult than I thought. I do try to put on a strong front that I’m alright – no, even happy – with my situation, but sometimes it can get quite hard when you see literally everyone beaming delightfully in relationships. (Ergh, I just want to sleep on the highway tonight.) And while I dream of the type of love that only exists in books and movies, I start to wonder if Taylor Swift was right. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me… is it really?
I used to blame everything else for my sadful plight, my most convenient excuse being “men are trash”. But when things don’t work out and nobody ever seems to like you romantically, it can be quite the hit on your confidence. What exactly about me is undesirable?
This insecurity manifested into something bigger. I began to be harsh on myself and nitpicked every single thing possible, starting first and foremost on my looks. To be clear, I was perfectly fine with my image when I was younger. I knew I wasn’t the prettiest out there but I was alright being an average Joe. But when people suggested changing up my looks to be more attractive, I became more aware and conscious of how I presented myself – to the point that I started to think that I was ugly. Plus, I’m sure we all know what puberty does to one’s self-esteem.
And I did try to switch things up. Hair, make-up, skincare, contacts… I did all I could (and what my bank was able to afford) just to become more pleasing on the eye. Of course, I did enjoy becoming a better version of myself and receiving some compliments here and there along the way. Who wouldn’t?
But it became difficult when I found myself still unable to find love. Guess I’m still not good enough. This frustration lingered for a while, as I continued to grapple with hyper awareness over my looks. I even stubbornly refuse to try out dating apps – simply because I believe nobody will swipe right on me because of how I look, and I think I’ve had enough of rejections.
I even engaged in self-deprecating humour, taking over the job of mocking my looks from others. But when you continuously tell yourself that you’re ugly no matter what, you start to genuinely believe that. Now, I constantly ask myself, what’s next? What more can I do to make myself wanted?
At this point, you would have probably picked up the fact that I’m eager to please. A bad habit I know, but more than romantic love or anything else, I think I am just on a wild goose chase for validation. So that deep, entrenched need to be accepted morphed me into a people’s pleaser, just so that I could be liked more by my peers.
I find it extremely hard to say no to anyone, and would go out of my way just to fulfil someone’s request. No doubt I love my friends and would be happy if I can help them in any way possible. But the inability to draw appropriate boundaries has taken a toll on my mental health. Overcommitting to plans and projects, silencing my emotions to avoid direct confrontation, placing my needs last… The repression of my true self was truly a recipe for disaster, as I craved personal space, time, and rest.
If you relate with my experience, I’m sorry to hear that. But fret not, I’m with you on this journey, and not all is lost. As I mentioned before, the mission is more than just seeking a romantic partner, but rather, validation that we’re accepted and even wanted by someone. As soon as I came to that realisation, I reminded myself that validation has to come from within.
The journey to self-acceptance isn’t easy, and I’m still learning as well. Especially when our experiences make up who we are as a person, it’s hard to unlearn those ugly assumptions we have about ourselves. Nonetheless, I’m happy that I surround myself with positive friends and try my best to absorb the upbeat energy they radiate. It’s nice to hear that I’m still very much loved by my family and friends.
Be it journaling things that you’re grateful for, giving yourself positive affirmations, or meditating before you sleep, take your time to build a set of healthy habits. It’s high time to get rid of that self-sabotage behaviour. Take back the power to make yourself feel good from others. As cliche as it sounds, who’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself? Go show yourself some kindness!