Have you ever questioned the boundaries of your relationship with your bestie and considered what it would be like to be more than friends with them? Have you ever caught yourself checking your bestie out for a few seconds beyond platonically acceptable? Been wondering if you have — oh dear — feelings for them?
Romantic feelings, those you would have for a partner, and platonic feelings, those you would have for a friend, can be easily confused. They share a lot in common: an emotional connection, a shoulder to cry on, a constant source of comfort and validation, and tons of good memories. But what differentiates these feelings is the intimacy (physical stuff) and a higher level of commitment. While you still want the best for them, your romantic feelings can hinder your judgement on whether what’s best for them aligns with what’s best for your relationship — and you.
How to figure out if your feelings are romantic or platonic?
- Jealousy, jealousy starting following me
This is probably the most obvious first sign of romantic feeling. While it may be childish, this rule works like a charm. Do you feel jealous when you feel they’re romantically interested in someone else? If you do, you most likely like them as more than friends. Another way to figure this one out is to queue Olivia Rodrigo (vital first step) and simply listen to yourself giving them advice on their love life. Is it not in their best interests but in yours? Do you find yourself nit-picking their potential partners and comparing them to yourself?
- Get advice from friends
Ask a few friends: Do I talk about them a lot? And do you see a certain sparkle in my eye when I do?
Seriously though, those closest to you tend to have the most accurate and honest observation , knowing your past history and such, on whether what you feel is platonic or romantic. Even better if they know both of you, so they know the dynamics of your friendship. However, asking friends can be a precarious tightrope to walk on. By telling common friends, things may become complicated if the other party is informed of your potential feelings.
- Out of sight, but not out of mind?
Both platonic & romantic relationships can involve seeing the other person a lot. However, in platonic friendships, it’s usually “out of sight, out of mind”. For instance, if you’re working with someone on a project, seeing them often might lead you to develop some fondness but if your feelings quickly fade after you stop seeing them so often, it’s not likely to be romantic.
- Envision your relationship
Think about what kind of relationship you would share. Consider the conversations you’ve had with them over both of your love lives. Are they looking for something casual or more serious? More importantly, what are you looking for? What will that mean for your life? If you’re looking for something serious and committed and they aren’t, is it still worth risking the friendship? All these questions require some serious thinking about the kinds of conversations and actions you’ve had with this person.
- A lot more giving
Both platonic and romantic relationships involve gestures of giving. A relationship, however, will take up a lot more of your time and energy because of the more special and intimate nature of the connection. While it surely will give plenty of wholesomeness in return, are you ready to adjust your life to accommodate a significant other? Are you willing to offer them more than you offer your friends?
Should you pursue romantic feelings?
Congrats! You figured out whether your feelings are romantic or platonic. But now, we arrive at the next big question: should you confess?
Whether or not you decide to pursue your romantic feelings depends mostly on what happens when/if you tell them you like them romantically. Consider the impact on your friendship. If it doesn’t go well for you, will this completely end your friendship to the point of only awkward birthday wishes twice a year? Or will it quickly become an inside joke?
Let’s say they like you back romantically, and you two start dating — yay! But beware: this can mean that you guys are spending every waking minute together and becoming each other’s only close friends. You might not want to become one of those “two bodies, one soul” couples; you’d still like to have a distinct identity and an individual life. If you’re uncertain about the relationship dynamic you’re going to have, is confessing your feelings still worth it?
Consider group dynamics too. If you’re part of the same friend group and after dating for a bit, things don’t turn out well, will this lead to gossip-worthy fights with people picking sides in the friend group? Will you keep it all to yourself, or maybe even go back to friendship as if nothing ever happened?
Navigating friendships and relationships, and attempting to convert one to the other, is tricky. However, it can be done. Stay true to yourself, but don’t compromise your own well-being; taking charge of your feelings is much better than plucking out petals from a flower to decide whether someone loves you or loves you not.
xoxo,
Your personal love guru