By Jasmine Hernandez
Deciding to do long distance after a couple of years can be one of the most difficult decisions a couple could face. Deciding to do so after a couple of months is the most difficult decision they can face. This is precisely one that I had to think about after I met my girlfriend across the Atlantic Ocean in London during my semester abroad in the Spring of 2017. I hadn’t thought to meet anything other than a fling while I was away and surprised myself with getting involved in a relationship. Thankfully, the only bright side to my overthinking tendency is that I thought about every move I made before I made it. Only to realize that she was very worth it and that for my first relationship I was throwing myself into the deep end.
How do you know it’s worth it?
I hate to burst your bubble, but there is no algorithm to know what will work in life and what won’t work. So how can one go about dealing with this issue? Well, lots of people have different ways to do so. I choose to (try) and follow my gut. It took a lot of convincing for me to know how I truly felt about her and our evolving relationship. But I looked at the facts: she made me happier than I have ever been, nothing (except my own inhibitions) held me back from being with her and enjoying our time together, and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. And that was enough for me. I’m no stranger to hard circumstances so I knew I would have the initial strength to go forward with any decision I made. But for once, even if the odds might be stacked against me, I wanted to take a chance and try to be happy.
How was it in the beginning?
When I first left her, we had been together for about a month and had known each other for about three and a half months. I had stayed with her family for a while before leaving back to New York and they gave me a ride to the airport. It was very emotional and movie-esque, hugs and tears you name it. Of course I didn’t want to leave and of course I cried continuously after told each other how we felt for that seven hour plane ride back. I asked myself how could I leave, how would we do this, would it even work out. The only thing that got me through the trip home was knowing I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. The minute I was home I messaged her and what followed were many FaceTime calls, long messages, early mornings for me and late nights for her. We did things together like watching films or series at the same time by pressing play together and commenting in real time about the movie or episode. And while there were a lot of lonely nights, I still found comfort in that even if she was across the ocean, she was still there and we loved each other.
What makes a long-distance relationship different?
Besides the obvious fact that we aren’t anywhere near each other for long periods of time, there are other differences in this type of relationship. For one, you have to think WAY in advance. I mean like month usually, maybe even a year or two. The reason being is there travel is not cheap, and the usual end goal for a relationship is to be together in the same place at some point in life. The travel part is what can break the bank if you don’t plan ahead, and me, being the emotional person, I am, bought a ticket to go back and see her just as soon as I arrived. Besides the fact that she was there, I had found a home in London with environment and all the people I met there. The biggest reason I studied abroad was to see if I could live anywhere besides New York, and I very much fell in love with London as much as I did my girlfriend. So there is the whole planning when you ARE going to see each other and then saving money and organizing your schedules to accommodate a visit. Then there’s this slight pressure to think of your future with that person in it. Thankfully, I love Europe enough to go back for a post-graduate degree after I finish my senior year at Manhattanville. It’s almost as if we can postpone some big decisions for a bit. But not all couples have that luxury and it something you want to take into account if you are usually an independent person.
What advice can you give?
One of the first things I would say to someone that is considering a long-distance relationship is that confidence is key. I mean that in every aspect of the word; in your partner, in your relationship and most of all in yourself. You need to know that you are responsible for the decisions you make and that there is going to be a lot of trust needed between the both of you. Hope isn’t something that is easy to have but will be something you need if you are going to make it through the rough patches that inevitably will come. It will help reassure you, given that the relationship is a good one, that it’s worth it and that this person is worth having a little heartache over. Another thing I’d mention would be to make reminders for yourself because if you are like me, your memory is as good as Dory the fish. As much as I adore my girlfriend to pieces, I’m so busy now at school and with everything I got going on my mind will sometimes adopt an out of sight, out of mind mentality. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for her, because I do greatly, but it helps to stress me out a little less if I remind myself when she has big events coming up or to ask her about specific things I know matter to her. I even have a reminder for our anniversary. The last thing I would say is that no matter what, always remember why you fell in love. If you can remember that rush from seeing that person, all the emotions you feel from wanting to be near them or talking to them, even the simplest gesture of telling them how you feel in the moment and how you got to such a state of comfortability. All these things can help make the days go faster, the words mean more and your love to deepen.