If you didn’t already know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This can be a really hard subject to talk about, especially because so many people go through it in different ways. Sexual assault isn’t just rape, but rather any type of unwanted sexual contact or comment. No matter what happened, it is not the victim’s fault in any way. Yet, sexual assault can be really hard to deal with mentally and physically, even if you didn’t know it happened at the time. Sexual coercion is one type of assault that’s really hard to deal with. It can be defined as any type of sexual act that happens when you are forced, tricked, or pressured into it. I’m not going to go into the details of my own sexual assault, but I will tell you some of the aftermath of what happened and how I have accepted and coped with it.
My experience with sexual coersion happened with an ex-boyfriend, but it can happen to people even if they aren’t dating. The thing with this type of assault is that you can say “no,” “I don’t want to,” “not today,” “maybe later,” or countless other things, and they will still pressure you into saying yes, no matter what you say. When you are dating someone, or even if you aren’t, it can be really easy to feel like you owe them some type of sexual act just because they asked. This is absolutely not the case. If both parties don’t give an enthusiastic “yes!” then it is a “no.”
Afterwards, at least for me, I didn’t know that they had done anything wrong. I was still together with that ex boyfriend for probably a year after it happened the first time, and of course, there were other times. But when I finally realized that what I went through was not normal at all, I felt really guilty for calling it a sexual assault. Why? Because I did eventually say “yes.” I was so tired of the begging and the annoyance that I said yes just to get it over with. A lot of people who experience sexual coercion feel like this afterwards. When people think of sexual assault, they may automatically think of someone saying “no” one time and then it happens against their will. It can be so much more complicated than that. It’s normal for victims of sexual coercion to think that their story isn’t as valid as others and that they are just being to sensitive about the topic just because they were pressured into giving an eventual “yes.” Even while writing this article, I read it to my friends and sent them the paragraphs so I wouldn’t sound like I was complaining too much. It is so important to get out of this mentality because if you went through an experience like this, you were still assaulted, and it’s still the other person’s fault. There is no story too big or story too small.
It’s normal to feel gross or disgusted with yourself after an assault occurs. But it is also to not feel like that every single day. There are some days where I am totally fine, and other days I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. Healing is a process, and everyone goes through it differently.
One of the things that helped me the most in the past year was using the RAINN National Sexual Absue Hotline. There are people there at all times of the day to talk to victims and give them advice on what to do to begin the healing process. It’s anonymous, it’s free, and the people there are very caring. They have even introduced a new tool, which is their online chat, which is what I used. This way you don’t actually have to talk to anyone over the phone, but they can still help you. After the counselor asked exactly what I needed from them, they gave me some helpful tips and coping methods to use. Journal therapy has really helped me get my emotions out. I just write down exactly what I’m feeling whenever I’m feeling it. There are even journal prompts online you can follow if you think journaling will help you. Another important step is acceptance. While you may never completely get over it, it’s important to acknowlege that it happened and question how you can help yourself feel better afterwards.
Though these are just my experiences, you or others feel the same way as me. As always, you can reach out to me or you can talk and text a counselor anonoymously at https://www.rainn.org/resources