The Double Feature: Week Five

Three hours long. Three. Hours. Long. Are you KIDDING me? Plus a second episode on Wednesday? I feel like I’m devoting my entire life to this godforsaken show. And, for what? To watch the most juvenile batch of contestants yet? I am so sick of Kelsey crying, people talking about Kelsey crying, and Mykenna complaining about how she’s such a good person. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go through the events of tonight's major motion picture as quickly as we can. 

As quickly as Peter gave Alayah a rose and invited her to back into the house, he took it away and sent her home maybe twelve hours later. Apparently, roses don’t mean as much as they used to. What also apparently doesn’t mean as much as it used to is the label of “boyfriend”. I’m always so confused at what point it is acceptable to consider yourself in an official relationship with the bachelor/bachelorette. You never hear the bachelor refer to the women of the house all of his “girlfriends”, so why are the women calling him their boyfriend? In Hannah B. 's season, Peter was the only contestant to ask Hannah to be his girlfriend, so in that case, I’ll let it slide. And only some of them call him their boyfriend, some don’t, so it’s confusing all around. 

Along with Alayah, Deandra, Kiarra, and Savannah were also sent home during the first rose ceremony of the night. The remaining 12 women said goodbye to Cleveland and jetted off to their first international location, Costa Rica! Sydney received the first one-on-one date abroad, and I have a really good feeling about her. So does Peter, of course, if it wasn’t obvious when he admitted she was the best kisser in the house. In just this one moment, I wish Sydney would stir the pot and spill. I would kill to see all of the reactions. But, we like Sydney because she doesn’t choose to stir the pot, unlike some characters we’ll get into later. 

(Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash)

Moving on to the group date, nothing too exciting happened. It was swimsuit modeling in front of a waterfall for Cosmo magazine. The most exciting part of the date was when Hannah Ann claimed she would be “in her element” for this group date. Funny, I didn’t know Sonic had a Costa Rica location. Hannah Ann apparently gets the group date rose, but I never saw this happen or maybe my eyes were glazed over as I realized we weren’t even halfway into the episode yet. The winner of the challenge gets featured in a digital cover with Peter for March. Victoria F. won; however, her digital cover will not be displayed because of her history modeling for a “White Lives Matter” Instagram company. Yikes. 

Not surprisingly, Tammy decides to bring Kelsey up to Peter during their conversation after the group date. She claims Kelsey is still emotionally unstable, cries all the time, and may have a drinking and/or pill problem. Awesome. First of all, I will defend Kelsey in the smallest way possible and say crying is not an immediate sign of emotional instability. It’s the way she channels and releases her emotions, much in the same way the other girls have admitted to journaling. Excess hormones are released through tears, making crying literally cathartic in that excess emotions are being physically removed from the brain to feel better. Now, why Kelsey is crying all the time may be due to some insecurity and attachment issues, which in turn would be problematic for this scenario. To top it off, if she is drinking to cope with her emotions, that is also indicative of having from problematic issues. As audience members, we do not get to see in reality how much alcohol is being consumed, but we can assume quite a bit. Bachelor in Paradise has two drinks per hour limit, but I’m not sure about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. 

Nothing terribly exciting or noteworthy about Kelley’s date happened, at least for me, because I think she’s one of the more realistic girls in the house. In that, she keeps her cards close to her chest and at this point knows it’s too early to believe they are meant to be together forever. They’ve had what like five or six conversations? I completely understand where she is coming from, even if it’s not what's best for production value. 

Wrapping things up, Peter rewards drama especially after giving Kelsey a random rose when she snuck off to go tell him about Tammy and in turn cancels the cocktail party. Tammy and Mykenna get to have their own cocktail parties when they steal Peter for a few moments DURING the rose ceremony. My girl Lexi tells Mykenna off for doing so. Unfortunately, Lexi, along with Shiann, is sent home. Whether Peter knew to send these girls home with or without a cocktail party, and whether Mykenna or Tammy’s conversations swayed this decision is hard to say. In a classic Bachelor turn of events, Shiann whispers to Peter to “be careful” and that, of course, there are girls in the house to watch out for, before making her exit. 

On Wednesday, there will be a second episode for the week, so stay tuned for yet another recap of Week 5 on The Bachelor. For my sanity, let’s hope it’s shorter than three hours.