After a long flight, I found myself exhausted at the back of a cab. I kept dozing on and off, barely clinging to consciousness, but a part of me was aware of my surroundings—just in case. That advice from parents to be aware and not trust strangers kicked in. What if he robs me? The thought crossed my mind, but it wasn’t enough to keep me fully awake. Eventually, I let my eyes close.

That’s when a realisation hit me: would I have done the same if I were a woman? Probably not. I would have taken all precautions and extra steps. Share my location and, at the very least, not be in a vulnerable state, like dozing off. There would have been much more at stake than my wallet. My head was filled with questions. Do women feel like this all the time? How does that even feel? Could I even fully understand the pain? And the biggest of them all, what can I do to help?

THE WHITE ROOM paradox

The answer I landed upon unnerved me: that until I am a woman, I can’t fully understand it until I go through it myself all the time, until it’s reality.

It reminded me of a famous thought experiment—the White Room Paradox. Imagine a scientist who has spent their entire life in a black-and-white room. They specialise in colour. They know everything about it: wavelengths, physics, perception. But they’ve never seen colour. One day, they step outside and look at the blue sky for the first time. At that moment, they learn something new, something knowledge cannot fulfil. They understand just not what colour is but what seeing colour feels like.

That’s the paradox. No matter how much I try to connect, understand, and empathise, I will never feel the fear, the hyper-awareness, or even the joys of being a woman in the way a woman does. There will always be a gap between knowledge and experience.

The reason behind this fear

One could make an argument that robberies and murders happen all the time, but they don’t go around distrusting everyone around them.

I used to believe something like that too.

Once my home was robbed, and I couldn’t sleep for months. And the threat didn’t even directly involve me. I didn’t flinch the night it happened. But it changed something within me; even the slightest of noises would wake me up. Suddenly, I began perceiving every one of those sounds I used to ignore as a possible intruder.

However, most women experience it much more directly—a 2018 survey by Stop Street Harassment found that 81% of women reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime.

For them, it’s not just distant tales of caution; they have felt it firsthand. For them, hyperawareness is not playing it safe but almost instinctive.

The best men can do

One of the worst feelings I get is sensing a girl tense up around me. I know it’s nothing personal. But I can’t just seem to shake off that distrust. That fear I sense is almost primal. Like I am a threat by default. It hinders my daily interaction with women—did I say something inappropriate? Am I standing too close?

And this is where the frustration deepens—because no matter how much I think I get it, the truth is, I don’t. Not fully. For me, it’s an intellectual realisation, a passing thought.

It’s where the ‘I get it’ mentality comes in, no dude you don’t. Not when you don’t live it all the time. For you, it might be just another story. But for women, it’s an everyday reality.

So the best we as men can do is accept that this fear exists for a reason and do our best to not take it personally. Instead of demanding immediate trust, we consistently show through our actions, not just words, that we’re safe. Over time, that does make a difference.

It’s unfair, yeah. But it’s not about fairness—it’s about empathy. Accept this and try to bridge the gap by listening.

Not in a shallow, dismissive way but with genuine actualisation. Not with the intent to argue, correct, or compare—just to listen.

Because even if we never know what it feels like to live in that reality, we can still choose to stand beside it. And maybe that’s where real change begins.

So go lend an ear, offer a shoulder, and make her feel safe. Next time, try to understand where she’s coming from before passing on an ignorant comment like, ‘Not all men.’

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• fear
• men
• women