It’s the end of one of the two scary years but this year taught me a lot more than all the years of my life combined. It’s been a year of drastic change in my sense of self. I honestly am vague about how the months passed but I sure do have a vivid memory of unusually high anxiety, incessant crying for hours every day, choking on my own breath, persistent sadness throughout the year, lying on my bed, and not getting up for days, crying over phone calls with my friends and weird desperation to feel loved and reassured infrequently, wanting to be heard and understood and to be comprehended on a profound level. This year has also been a journey of uncomfortable vulnerability and confrontation about my degrading mental health, first to my friends and then to my parents. It’s been a year of hitting the rock bottom, losing my sense of self, and being on the lowest of my self-esteem.
It’s been a year of carrying heavy and overwhelming emotions, crying sessions and the littlest of happiness to be explored. It’s also been a year of extreme rage and heart-rending news about the atrocities and immorality towards the marginalized sections of this nation or even the world. Two years of losing millions of people to a virus. This year has been overwhelming. I’d like to call it a year of introspection, a year where what you want was hurtfully replaced by what you really need. A year of prioritizing yourself before anything. A year of trying and failing and trying again just to fall again. And most importantly it’s been the year of realizing that in what ways you’ve been toxic to others and mostly to yourself.
Nevertheless, it’s ending and it’s time for a fresh start. So here are some of the things I’m promising myself (well, trying to):
- This year, I will not, at any cost, settle for anything less than what I deserve. I know what I want, I know my worth, and I’ll set healthy boundaries and call out people if they cross them.
- I’m not going to make any efforts to fit in. No efforts to please people around me. I’ll let them make space for me because connections are smooth and if it’s forced then maybe it’s not the place for you.
- I’m going to worry a lot less if people like me. Instead, this time I’ll ask myself “do I like them?”
- I’ll learn to let go. Let go of feelings that are unrequited. I’ll learn to let go a little at first, and then all at once. This year I refuse to allow anything and anyone to take up the space I have inside me. I’ll free myself. I’ll let it go.
- This year, I’ll allow myself to feel and breathe. I’ll let myself fall and get back to building myself from scratch. I cannot promise myself that I’ll be fine. I know it’ll hurt, I know things will continue to be shitty again but I’m not giving up. I’ll heal myself.
- This year, I’ll learn to appreciate my body a little more. I know I’m going to get to a point again where I hate every inch of myself but I’ll constantly keep reminding myself of the things my body does for me.
Thank you if you’ve made it this far. I hope you find the lost piece of yourself this year. Happy 2022.