We’ve all been there, butterflies in your stomach, checking your phone every five minutes, reliving conversations in your mind. It feels intense, electric, almost addictive. But here’s the question we don’t ask ourselves often enough: is it truly love, or is it simply our trauma response disguising itself as love?
When Past Wounds Shape Present Love
Our childhood experiences and past heartbreaks tend to creep into the way we present ourselves in relationships. If you have ever had abandonment issues, you may find yourself repeating patterns such as taking forever to trust someone or even pushing them away the moment things become serious. It’s not because you don’t care, it’s because a part of you is afraid of being left behind again.
On the other hand, if you’ve been abandoned before, it’s easy to convince yourself that sticking through toxicity is evidence of devotion. You grit your teeth through red flags, rationalize bad behavior, and label it “unconditional love,” when in reality it is fear – fear of losing someone, even if they’re unhealthy for you. And as time passes, these habits begin to start to feel normal, even though they quietly drain your self-esteem.
Signs You May Be Mistaking Trauma for Love
- Self-Sabotage: You find yourself questioning a good relationship, arguing unnecessarily, or pushing away someone who is treating you well.
- Toxic Endurance: You hang around despite being disrespected, repeating to yourself “all relationships are difficult.”
- Anxious Attachment: Every delayed response is perceived as rejection. You overthink, overanalyze, and confuse anxiety with passion.
- Addictive Ups and Downs: The relationship is like a rollercoaster ride. The drama is addictive, but it’s draining rather than satisfying.
- If this resonates with you, you’re not flawed, you’re a human. Your nervous system has learned to confuse turbulence with connection. But being aware of this pattern is incredibly empowering; it means you can finally make different choices.
What Real Love Feels Like
Here’s the best part: love and trauma can feel alike in the beginning, but they look very different over time.
- Love feels safe. You can breathe. You don’t need to work to get reassurance.
- Love feels consistent. There is no guessing game, no “will they leave if I say this?”
- Love feels respectful. You’re valued, not tolerated.
True love doesn’t put you in fight-or-flight. It anchors you. And once you’re there, you know that love isn’t meant to be a storm it’s the calm at the end of the storm.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing is not something that occurs overnight, but awareness comes first. Writing in a journal, therapy, or just paying attention to your patterns can assist you in asking, “Am I in love, or am I replaying my trauma?” Having good friendships surrounding you also reminds you of how safe love feels. Above all, don’t mix healing with perfection, you can grow while being loved. Someone has to be the curse- breaker after all, right?
And don’t forget love is not meant to feel like survival. The right person won’t activate your abandonment wounds; they’ll make you feel safe while you work through them.
Last Thoughts
The ironic and the best part of it is that you can never find it on searching, it just comes selflessly to you. So, the next time your heart is racing, take a moment and ask yourself: is this love, or is it my trauma talking? Because you are worthy of more than chaos. You are worthy of a love that feels like peace. And perhaps, just perhaps, this reminder is the sign you’ve been waiting for.
Read more by this author at Avni Singh | Her Campus.